jcat and the big bad wolf

what i need

2009-06-14T20:32:00.002+02:00

- my mom asked a couple of weeks ago what I would like for a birthday present. I said that there was nothing I really need, and that a donation to the rehab centre or to CLAW would be good. We spoke earlier this evening, and she said again that she wants a present idea, that they donate to charity and people often anyway.

I couldn't think of anything, but promised that I would try. It came to me just now, as I reread Pat Conroy's book 'Beach Music', and the characters are talking about the nature of love. Jack is so scared that his own inabilities will come back to haunt his child as she grows. I have none of that in my life; my family and friends have always loved openly. I have always known what love is. My failures are mine alone.

Forgiveness, mommy-bear. Think that is what I will need as a gift this year. God knows that I can't forgive myself for loving someone the way I love the dude. Not wisely, not well, but overwhelmingly.

A life without love is not a life that is worth enduring.....

not yet

2009-06-09T22:01:00.003+02:00

have so far failed completely at my not-likely-anyway wish that I would die of swine flu, and failed equally at dying of shame and pain over the dude's behaviour.

But! Not too late! Still another chance! Yes..worlds dumbest ugliest loser chick is somehow still seeing the dude. And worst of all, still loving the dude. So when the next hurting discovery comes, it could be the one where I just lay down and stop breathing. If only I pray hard enough in the meantime....

I have always felt sympathy for people tied to toxic relationships by economics, or lack of awareness, or even by their own stupidity. I have never seen myself becoming part of that group, but for the past year it seems that I am. In this case, I am trapped by love, and it seems that cheating, lying, spoiling most of my semi-celebrations, the aloneness for nights and holidays... none of it stops me from loving him anyway. Every day of those marks a new level of internal degredation and hatred for myself.

And I still can't walk away...

zombie time

2009-06-07T17:37:00.002+02:00

- as if the whole dude-crisis wasn't enough to nail me this week, I started coughing yesterday, and woke up every hour or so last night. Chills and fever, coughing and blocked sinuses...

God if I am lucky it will be swine flu and it will be fatal :-(

and she does it again!

2009-05-25T22:35:00.001+02:00

- another stunning performance from Susan Boyle in the weekend's semifinal, sees her through to the final. Go, Susan, go!

Memories - Susan Boyle

bush weekend

2009-05-21T21:06:00.003+02:00

- going away with the rehab centre admin lady, for a 3-day weekend in the bush. She is an honorary ranger at one of the medium-sized reserves, which basically means her job is to drive around and steer visitors in the right directions, keep them out of trouble and make sure they leave at closing time. Plus other fun bits like counting animals, monitoring them and anything exciting that happens. She is 69, and my greatest worry is that I won't be able to keep up with her! Her holiday last year was climbing volcano slopes in the Congo to see the gorillas. I'm really looking forward to it though, as she is great fun to be with, and it also means we go to all the closed areas of the reserve that the public is not alllowed in.

- the downside is that it means no dude for 3 days, and he has been sick this week as well, with flu. We met for coffee today, and I suggested to him that he take up some bad habits. I smoke, drink, don't eat properly, don't exercise enough, am fat - and am generally in amazingly good physical health. And he, who does all the right things has been sick numerous times in the last year - flu, colds, sinus, major gastric problems.... maybe there are merits to being a bad person! And, my friend Duckling is having a major psych meltdown at the moment, and is back in hospital on strict suicide watch, and feeling very unloved at the moment. I haven't helped much by being so chaotically busy this week that - although we have chatted lots on Facebook, I haven't been able to visit her in the 3 or 4 hours of the day that she is awake enough to register a visitor.

- great news though, is that my long-distance buddy Aqua, who I've been worrying about for the past month is OK, and is posting again. Her life is undergoing huge changes at the moment, so mention her in any prayers you might make, but I believe she is strong enough and smart enough to make good choices for herself. But it would be nice to be close enough to give her a big hug....

the end of the world......

2009-05-17T22:06:00.002+02:00

....is surely coming. Or at least that's what it feels like. I am worrying about special friends in crisis and don't seem to be able to reach them or help. And I feel like I'm in terminal meltdown as well, with the dude. There are only two facts there; 1. he doesn't love me, even if he loves being with me and all sorts of other crap, and 2. I love him, absolutely, completely, without reservation. I know he has faults, and I am very aware of many of them, but it doesn't change things - I love him anyway.

I can't sort myself out, I can't help my friends, I don't seem to have any control over anything anymore. And I don't see any of it ending well either....

sweet wedding

2009-05-05T23:51:00.002+02:00

- spent most of the day at/travelling/returning....a wedding between two of my fellow rehab volunteers. They are one of those lovely couples that proves the saying about every pot having a lid. Completely different in almost all ways, but wonderfully happy together, and a lovely example of how a relationship is built on mutual respect, mutual caring and mutual support.

Even the wedding was perfect for the two of them - it was held outside, next to a river, about an hour out of town. She designed stunning and unique invitations, he did most of the catering. They came up with a number of lovely touches that will make their wedding memorable for eveyone who attended.

I have an extra memory, as I'm looking after their pets for the week. One very large and lovable rat, and seven parrotty things, 6 of them being conures of various types. Gotta give them credit...those birds really love the sound of their own screams :-)

brilliant!

2009-05-01T21:43:00.003+02:00

- thanks to the Cranky Professor for the link.

News on the swine flu epidemic : link to news report

Me personally, I'm betting that this might just be the promised plague that the avian flu failed miserably at being. Apart from the fact that I reckon the world is due for a good plague on Biblical levels, I'm also so relieved that it is being blamed on things that have nothing to do with me. At the height of the bird flu outbreaks, we had soooooo many phone calls along the lines of this:

Rehab volunteer: hi, how can I help you?
Concerned member of the public : I have a sick bird in my garden!!
RV : ok, can you bring it thru to either me or the centre?
CMP :NO!!!
RV : umm, can't you catch it?
CMP : NO!! And I'm not going to try! It's lying there on my lawn!
RV : could you maybe throw a cloth over it and put it in a box, and I'll come and fetch it?
CMP : NO!! I'm not leaving the house and I won't allow my family out either!
RV : umm, why not?
CMP : it might have bird flu! I want you to come and pick it up RIGHT NOW!!

- concerned RV heads there immediately. Lying on the lawn is a dead sparrow with fairly life-ending injuries of the feline type, and said feline lurking in close proximity......

At least, if any flying pigs are dead in their environs, they are a lot less likely to call a wildlife rehabilitation centre :-)

oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....

2009-04-30T20:46:00.003+02:00

... so sunday's amicable parting was followed by tuesday's incredible sex. As well as lots of time just spent sitting next to each other doing separate work. And today's friendly visit, where I was working and he was studying, and nothing "serious" was mentioned. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, and maybe I invest too much emotion in stuff. But I find it hard to understand how we can both enjoy everything together so much, and yet for him it ends there. It's not imagination on my part about the enjoyment - he admits to that much. We can talk about everything, and even if we don't agree entirely, the differences just make for more enjoyable debates - and we pretty much share the same basic beliefs anyway. We laugh at the same things, we find the same things poignant. We have the most amazing sex....

Last week he asked what I would say or do if the circumstances were reversed, and I said that it would probably be much the same as he has. I thought about that one a lot, relating it to previous relationships where I was the one who was loved, but didn't return the love. And I don't really think that I would ever be able to take on the enormous strain of living with someone if I didn't love them completely. So I can't disagree with his actions, but it still leaves me wondering how everything can be so good and yet put us in such varying positions.

On a lighter note, I received a mail just now from a man who is hoping to relocate some dassies from a place with a population explosion to a game farm with a scarcity, and wants some advice on how to go about it. Dassies, also known as hyraxes, or rock rabbits, are a strange little animal about the size of a large domestic cat. Their closest living relative is - amazingly - the elephant. They are wide-spread in South Africa and Africa in general, living mainly in areas with hills or rocky outcrops. They are primarily vegetarian, and spend a lot of time lying around in the sun. They also bite like hell, and can be quite aggressive when cornered, and have a complex social structure of family groups within colonies. The man concerned is hoping to relocated a small number, and is worried about maintaining the family balances. One of his questions was:
"Can a lawyer sex these animals easily or does one need to be a sex expert?"

If I ever meet him I am going to battle with keeping a straight face.......

photo credit wikipedia

same pain, different day......

2009-04-27T22:15:00.003+02:00

- we are trying the breakup on friendly terms. It can't hurt worse than last week, but I just don't know if I can handle it. He called earlier just to say hi, and the way my heart leaps when the phone rings in case it is him, and then soars when it is... doessn't exactly make me feel like I am moving on at all.

- words from Les Mis, as per my last weeks awed discovery of Susan Boyle:

"And still I dream he'll come to me
And we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather..."

i just don't learn from the past mistakes i've made..

2009-04-24T21:14:00.002+02:00

...subtitled : confusion runs rampant, again...

- needless to say, it's the dude. We had long text conversations yesterday, which basically boiled down to:
1. me wanting to know what I do wrong
2. him saying that I am an amazing person in a whole bunch of ways
3. me asking why we are in the same position again
4. him saying that it's not my fault
5. me saying it must be, otherwise we'd be together and happy
6. him saying that he wishes he could give me what I need
7. me asking what is wrong with me that he can wish that but not do it
8. him saying that he cares about me a lot, but that he just doesn't love me
9. agreement that it's better that we be completely honest, even tho it hurts...

- ok, so I'm bipolar, and more on the depressive side of that. But there are very few people in RL who know that, or who ever see any of it. And in the time that I've known him - and also because of him - it's been really well managed. He doesn't see the miserable bits, because mostly they happen when/because he isn't here, and I go to a lot of effort to hide it. This blog is the raw bits, the bits my tdoc knows - apart from that, the most that people generally know is that I have had major depressive episodes, and am OK now. Some people know that I still get seriously down, but none of them ever see anything of it, apart from not seeing me for a short while - and I always have enough reasons that everyone thinks I am hectically busy with everyone else.

- but there is something worse that is wrong with me. There has to be. He says that he loves spending time with me, that he loves chatting to me because we can talk about absolutely everything and it is always interesting to him, that he still finds me very attractive physically (which is one thing that amazes me but that I know is true. He knew exactly how fat I was before we ever had sex, as in, he'd measured every damn inch of me, and he still wanted to do it. Even now, after 14 months of making love, when I'd have figured that the newness was well gone, his body still makes it obvious that he really wants me) and it is still always good for both of us. But with all that in favour, he doesn't love me. Not even enough to want to try anything more serious. There has to be something so awfully wrong with me...

- he wanted to visit today. I agreed, because I'd rather we part on good terms. The whole day was surreal, because it was just so good and so comfortable, for both of us. We even got round to a bit of bedroom action in spite of the fact that he'd pulled a muscle running sprints and was in obvious pain. And now I'm wondering whether I should just settle for what there is between us, even knowing that that is all there will ever be. If I keep seeing him, I am never going to stop loving him, I am never going to be able to look at anyone else, and (it's already borderline) the longer I see him the less chance there is of being with someone long enough and soon enough to think about a child. And I really want to parent one, with him.

- how does one know when not enough is more than one will ever have otherwise?

election day

2009-04-22T20:54:00.002+02:00

happy fucking democracy...

Yeah, I did vote, although there isn't much point in a one party state. At least we do still have opposition parties unlike our neighbours to the north. Two hours in the queue, but I did it.

Thats all I really did today apart from cry and miss the dude.

over. i think. again...........

2009-04-21T20:21:00.002+02:00

so on saturday night someone anon sent the dude's wife an sms, saying, apparently (seeing as he didn't get to read the whole thing before she deleted it, and neither did I) a whole lot of stuff about she should grow up and get a job etc, as well as that he had been having an affair for two years with someone who fetched him at the local shop in (my car type).

I was really taken aback by that, not only that someone would send a half-assed message like that, but also by the thought that someone I don't know has been watching him, and therefore me. All he was worried bout was poor little wife, and how untrue it is because she has a job. Yeah right. She works in some kind of pretend thing for her mother, and doesn't earn enough to pay any of their bills. And that I know, because I have been paying most of them, including doing the grocery shopping with him for the last 5 months.

We sat in my car for an hour or so talking, instead of the normal sunday morning in bed bit, then he wanted to go look at TVs. His is broken, and I gather wifey can't survive without being able to watch the kids cartoons. Seeing as he hasn't returned the last money that was distinctly a loan not a gift because I really don't have it spare this month, and seeing as I paid the rent, health insurance, groceries, fuel and car stuff already, I've been kind of deaf to the TV stuff.

And then I came home, alone, for a change. And thought about all sorts of things, including that he really didn't seem to give a damn about how I might feel about any of the crap that could result from what happened. And sent him an email that is about as nasty as I can ever get to him. Like, not very much, compared to what I should probably be saying.

Only sensible thing in it was telling him not to contact me at all unless he has his suitcases and some intent to commit along with him. Haven't heard anything since, not that I really expected to. Guess he is at home telling wifey that I changed overnight from being Santa fucking Claus with an excess of gifts to the dragon. And that he has no idea on earth why......

And me? I lie on the couch with my eyes closed and count backwards from 1000 in the hope that it will stop me from missing the part of me that I just ripped out without anaesthetic, and that I will sleep for a few hours to stop me from thinking of him all day. When that doesn't work, I get up, drink my allowed (by me) 1/2 bottle of vodka, cry a lot, take 3x the amount of sleeping pill that I have taken in the last 3years, cry for another hour or two, and then the combo finally knocks me out for a couple of hours.

I wake up crying in the dark of midnight

give yourself a real treat....

2009-04-18T00:08:00.002+02:00

....and watch the most unexpected and unlikely new hero. It's a lady called Susan Boyle, on a British talent show, and she will absolutely blow you away. Kind of solid, middle-aged, plain, strong regional accent....and then she opens her mouth and sings. Wow. She should be famous, make millions, have men throwing their underwear at her on stage, sing for the Pope. All of it, and I hope she gets it.

Here's a Youtube link to the show excerpt:Susan Boyle

long weekends

2009-04-15T21:08:00.002+02:00

It seems as if everyone else is having a great month in April, which in SA is full of public holidays and long weekends. I hate them, because it means that I get to see very little of the dude, if at all. And to add to it, he has been sick with flu for the last few days, so apart from a croaky phone call today, I've had even less contact with him.

Makes for a very grumpy and miserable cat :-(....

rehab keeps me busy...

2009-04-09T20:28:00.002+02:00

...and the dude keeps me insane. Totally off balance, totally in love. He makes me go from one extreme to the other, all because of a message or two, or the absence of them. At the end of it all though, being with him is almost always so good. I hate the emotional rollercoaster, and I still hate the subterfuge and the limits of the time and contact I have with him. And I just can't stop seeing him, even so....

At least the birds and beasts have been keeping me busy in between. Apert from the visitors, my one boy-cat has had a major eye-infection. For a pure white cat though, having weepy, swollen eyes for 4 days does not improve his appearance. Especially seeing as I am so not allowed to clean his face, and have settled for just getting the eyedrops in. His eyes are now back to normal, but he still has 'eye-liner' from the drops and the tears, and it has made dark circles around his eyes. A boycat with make-up...have been calling him Emo-cat instead of Sam :-)

birds and pain

2009-03-28T20:38:00.003+02:00

on the rehab side, have just read an interesting blog post by Dr Dolittler on pain and the use of NSAIDs and/or other drugs for pain relief. It's a subject that intrigues me particularly, because the views for humans and animals seem so diametrically opposed.

Human medicine seems to be focussed on prolonging life at all costs. I know, having seen a much loved aunt go through years of treatment for a non-curable cancer, that the quality of the life that is prolonged doesn't seem to be an issue with many doctors. She went from being a woman with so much caring and warmth for everyone, to a shrew from hell, depending on how much pain she was in, and the pain lasted for months at a time until she was hospitalised for hugely expensive and short-lasting treatments. But she trusted and respected her oncologist so much that she didn't want to hurt or disappoint him by saying that she had had enough. And so she suffered on for years, so that he could write journal articles on how he was managing her care.

Veterinary medicine on the other hand seems to have far more practitioners who value the quality of life. Perhaps it is because humans will almost always have a longer lifespan than their animal companions, perhaps it is because human doctors are legislated out of offering a similar level of compassion. I'd rather give the animals I love the best possible life for as long as that is achievable. And when it isn't, then I am able to gift them with the most comfortable death possible.

I wish that the same choices could be available for people.

However...the good doc's post is on the use of NSAIDs and other pain relief in vet practice. If you are interested in animal care at all, it's worth reading, especially the comments. I'm a definite believer in palliative care for animals, and in the rehab work I see, we have seen the benefits for mammals. Pain relief for birds though is a less-accepted or studied topic. We use homeopathic remedies such as Rescue Remedy and Traumeel on almost all our injured or stressed patients, and where more traumatic injuries are involved, we use small doses of pain-relief. Pain causes stress. Stress causes death. Or at least, that is our view, but it is one not always shared by vets and other avian specialists.

Anyway, the link is Dr Dolittler - if you have an opinion on this, let me know?

abba overdose

2009-03-27T21:43:00.002+02:00

- went and bought 3 Abba CDs because I keep hearing that horrible remix mess of 'knowing me knowing you' in shopping centres and crying every time. I am so scared that the dude and I are almost at that point, and if we are I just don't know where I can go from there.

So it's lyrics time again...the bit of misery where you feel that someone wrote that song just to describe you...and both are from Abba.

Knowing me, knowing you

No more carefree laughter
Silence ever after
Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye

Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
We just have to face it, this time we're through
(This time we're through, this time we're through
This time we're through, we're really through)
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
(I have to go this time
I have to go, this time I know)
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do

Mem'ries (mem'ries), good days (good days), bad days (bad days)
They'll be (they'll be), with me (with me) always (always)
In these old familiar rooms children would play
Now there's only emptiness, nothing to say.....

my love my life

I've seen it on your face
Tells me more than any worn-out old phrase
So now we'll go separate ways
Never again we two
Never again, nothing I can do

Like an image passing by, my love, my life
In the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life
I can see it all so clearly
(See it all so clearly)
Answer me sincerely
(Answer me sincerely)
Was it a dream, a lie?
Like reflections of your mind, my love, my life
Are the words you try to find, my love, my life
But I know I don't possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Still my one and only

I've watched you look away
Tell me is it really so hard to say?
Oh, this has been my longest day
Sitting here close to you
Knowing that maybe tonight we're through

Like an image passing by, my love, my life
In the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life
I can see it all so clearly
(See it all so clearly)
Answer me sincerely
(Answer me sincerely)
Was it a dream, a lie?
Like reflections of your mind, my love, my life
Are the words you try to find, my love, my life
But I know I don't possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Yes I know I don't possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Still my one and only

hard-working week and then a bloody owl bit me too!

2009-03-21T22:28:00.000+02:00

- so a while ago I volunteered to do the membership admin for the rehab centre. We ask people who bring in birds if they'd like to become members for a small amount, and in return we send them magazines erratically, and will soon send smaller online articles and pics. The actual adding of new members, sending renewals and deleting ex-members isn't a huge task, but of course, once I looked at it, I started picking up all sorts of people who should be honourary members because of support they give us, plus people who donate but don't always sign up etc. So for the past week, the finance lady and I have been sending lists back and forth, of queries and addresses and more queries etc....could take a lot of work before it gets to be a list that I am happy with :-)

- and today I did another shift as senior volunteer. Our assistant manager resigned last month (think we just plain wore her out...), so a few of us have been standing in as weekend shift leaders. Today turned out to be a full house in the clinic, with a regular supply of new admissions, all of whom needed time-consuming treatment to test for possible illness, treat wounds, strap or splint limbs. Thank God for little old ladies - one of my favourite volunteers, a lady in her 70s, did the shift with me. She made it a pleasure, by doing half the clinic in a calm, relaxed and (above all) competent way, and it ended up being a really nice afternoon.

- it's also been a nice dude-filled week, because for various reasons he has had some extra free time. Most of it has been spent with me, including catching a snake (at which he is waaay more skilled than me!), working quite hard here while I do the rehab stuff and cuddle him every few minutes, and some more awesome sexy bits. And once again, I'm reminded that there is no such thing as bad time with him - the good bits are mindblowing, but the rest of it is always nice as well. I guess from the end of the month things will change a bit, as he is starting a new job. It's the kind of job where not too many questions can be asked about where he goes and what he did there, which means I will probably worry myself sick most of the time, but it will also bring him in a living salary for a change. And maybe not stressing about finances all the time will relax him a bit, and also take quite a burden off me. Am keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out....

confusing. confused. just don't know anymore...?

2009-03-15T22:15:00.002+02:00

...so, I guess the first question is whether this should be a dude-blog post or not, but I reckon it's probably generic enough to stay here. Which answers the next questions too. Yes, there is still a dude. Yes, I still love him completely. Yes, I still believe that he loves me as much as he possibly can. Either that or he is more of a total sociopath then I can concieve of. And yes. Months and months of highs and lows and we are still no closer to any kind of equilibrium.

In all fairness, I don't think that he really has any clue about how tenuous any interest in living that I have really is. We knew each other for two months before starting whatever kind of relationship we currently have. After that we went through a while where I was definitely not going to show him any kind of downside, then through the bit where I was trying not to see him but was not going to walk away when he needed me. I think we have been getting a lot more honest with each other - at least, if you look at what we almost-fight about, and how often it happens, i think so.

I can only say almost-fight, because even after more than a year of involvement, and some really sore bits, I don't think we have ever had a knock-down fullout fight. I don't think we ever will, actually, because it seems that neither of us actually do that. Ever. And while it could possibly be a lot healthier for us both if we did, it also works that we say moderately hurtful things and then go away and breathe deeply while we think about what it would really be like to say fuck off and die and then actually never never see each other again. Somehow it seems that at that point, the never never bit is too much, and we both take a step back, followed by a couple forward in terms of vulnerability. And hey chickens, we carry on again....

I cry an awful lot about him. He knows that. The most he has and probably ever will say, is that it 'breaks his heart that he cant give me what I need and want'. He knows that I can tell him to go, and mean it, but that when he sends a msg to say have a good day that I truly want him to have a good day and a good life etc, regardless of what has happened. And somehow it seems that after that we keep seeing each other anyway.

The last two weeks have ended up, I think, with both of us being as open as we can, and taking a few steps forward in the kind of relationship we have. It's never going to be perfect. But I guess it's still a few thousand degrees better than either of us have ever dreamed of.

I ended up having dinner last night with p-doc's ex office administrator. I used to give her a hard time about calling to find out how I was, because - as I told her repeatedly - she didn't know me, so how could she possibly care whether I was suicidal or not. She kind of disproved that by staying in touch over the 5 months since she left him, so last night we ended up having a purely social evening, and it was so much fun. We seem to share a whole lot of bad habits and irreverent attitudes, and it ended up being a late, raucous and really enjoyable evening. Turns out that she has been having a long-standing affair with a man, that there was a point or two where they could have gotten permanent, but that she is the one who turns it down. She said that apart from thinking that she actually has a pretty good life on her own already, she doesn't want to stuff up either of the rest of their lives. And that when she gets to missing him at the same kind of moments that I am already so much missing the dude at, she kind of kicks herself in the butt and remembers that actually she already has the best of her guy, that she has so many of the happy and special times. The circumstances are very different, but I guess that is something that I should remember more often.

I do have the best of the dude. I have so much of the intellectual bantering and quick-wittedness that both of us delight in; I have the most amazing physical closeness where - in spite of me being really fat and ugly - we share a mutual satisfaction in the things we can give each other, and the pleasure we get in return; we laugh so often, and we both seem to want to encourage and give strength to each other as much as possible. Maybe these things will not last for ever, and there will be no enduring legacy. But for now, maybe I should be counting the chickens I have, instead of the eggs that will never hatch...

what do you do....

2009-03-03T21:25:00.002+02:00

...when the best thing you have ever known, the one thing that makes you feel whole and competent and worthwhile, is also the one that is most likely to destroy you?

I just don't know, any more...

not much to say

2009-03-01T19:37:00.001+02:00

am as miserable as I have ever been. Dude problems too, mainly that he doesn't want to be with me but he won't go away either.

I'm not even sure anymore which came first...

long weeks

2009-02-19T19:36:00.002+02:00

OK, so in explanation of the previous post, the main reason for the exceedingly miserable weekend was that the dude was seriously ill. He'd been complaining for ages about feeling nauseous and no appetite etc, so on the Tues I pushed him to see a doctor. Which for dude-types is anathema; they really don't like admitting to illness. He spoke to the doc he works for the next day, doc took blood for tests, test results were scary enough that doc arranged for him to see a specialist the next day. Specialist was alarmed enough to admit him to hospital on Friday, and do some laser surgery on strange bits of stomach and colon.

Needless, to say, we didn't get to see each other, never mind celebrate on Friday or over the weekend. What made me even more mis was that he sent a couple of text messages, none of which included any reference to either 'anniversary' or 'valentine', even when reminded. Sometimes he takes the non-soppiness too far...

Worst bit, I guess, is being reminded that as well as missing out on so many of the special days, when there is a problem, I have to sit at home and wait - I can't be with him, I can't call, I can't do anything. That is worse than being alone on New Years Eve. And that, I think might be the catalyst for me ending this again and more definitely - it's what I've been thinking about all week.

happy valentine's day

2009-02-14T21:31:00.002+02:00

So. F-ing. Not.

and as a bonus, it should have been the only date on which we could have celebrated some kind of anniversary. Seeing as we have never gotten to the going out officially, the living together, the engaged, or gasp, the getting married...stages.

whatever.

home - and awake - at last

2009-02-03T20:44:00.002+02:00

So, a chaos week before going away. A really crap start to the holiday, with cancelled flights and British Airways making serious fools of themselves by the way they handled the whole problem, and eventually, a good flight with Virgin.

Got to Denver a day late, but my buddy there had rearranged life so that we still got to do all that we planned. Including a rodeo, combined with a stock show, which was awesome. Some incredible horseriding, some really cute cows! And then it was off to the mountains, with me wearing shorts and a tshirt cos it just wasn't cold enough for anything more. Could have made an interesting pic - me at the edge of the skislope with sandals on, if only I had remembered to take it. The skiing was awesome, albeit painful. All round I am not fit enough, and specifically, my knees definately aren't! But I loved it anyway, and wished I could have been there longer.

After that, it was back across the globe to stay with my aunt in Germany for a few days. I'm not quite sure why that was mandatory, but my mom seemed keen that I went, and it was a good visit too. Except for an overdose of castles and cathedrals... yeah, I know, they are impressive, but I am as impressed by seeing them for two minutes as I am ever going to be - after an hour or two, most of what I feel is an intense desire to bomb the places so that I can go have coffee somewhere! I am so not a good tourist...

Highlight of the trip was getting four (!!) mails from the dude, with a confession that he 'missed me a bit' - this is the dude equivalent of an entire book of sonnets, I guess, and was much appreciated. And a suitably passionate welcome home, this week. The animals survived, most of the birds did too, I'm uninjured, still employed, still vaguely sane. And even more in love than before. I missed him incredibly. There were so many things that he would have enjoyed, and that I wished I could share with him. I left my vehicle with him so that he could spend some time working on his - instead, he fixed a whole bunch of things for me, things that needed to be done but weren't urgent, and that took time and effort on his part. Next week will make it a year of physical stuff, and almost as much of loving him. I am still so ambivalent about it all - in a way, I was hoping to find out that I could spend time away without thinking about him constantly. That didn't happen, I guess, so it's back to the bit about enjoying it while it lasts. And I am...

flying time....

2009-01-08T21:20:00.000+02:00

...at the moment my time is being wrestled for by the rehab-job, the paying one, getting ready to go to the US on holiday next week and still seeing the dude as often as possible.

Rehab centre is in full swing, with baby season and holidays that mean many volunteers are away. I've been filling in whenever Grumpy, the admin lady tells me to. She left a message for me last week....'hello Dopey, this is Grumpy'! And in between, our receptionist, who has been taking arm-twisting lessons from admin-lady, has been sending me all over to catch and fetch critters.

The dude remains wonderful, if not better :-) and although the holidays were tough, we've been meeting at least 5/7 days. Between his schedule and mine, most of those have been for coffee or lunch, but we've fitted in some shopping too. Mostly for the camo stuff, and I found him the shorts he wanted - plus a pair for me - and then we found another real army outlet, where he got long pants and I got a purple camo tshirt. Although the salesman was quite upset when I called it purple, and kept saying 'lichen. it's called lichen'....so ok, purple lichen it is.

And with almost shared top-billing with dude on my list of good things, the mental health bit stays great. After so long feeling like whale shit, I am amazed that the current contentment has stayed for so long. Viva p-meds! Viva the dude! I know that much of it is due to him, and is therefore really fragile, but at the same time, we have separate lives most of the time, and at least I can be sure that there is the potential in me to stay happy without him. Even if I know that there would be a completely wipe-out if that actually happens, I can survive it.

I've been tapering on the meds for the last few weeks, because even though my mood is OK, my lethargy isn't. I'm scrambling to do what used to be done without even noticing it, I still have irresistible bath-naps and battle to really get going before 09h00, and would happily add afternoon naps on the couch most days as well. With pdoc's agreement to the tapering (although not to the speed :-( !), I've gone from 200mg Tofranil to 150mg and will drop to 125mg in 3 weeks time. There's been a slight improvement, but not enough, and even so, when I do a shift at the centre, I am absolutely wrecked by halfway through it. Hopefully that will start changing soon.

Oh, and the bit I am so not looking forward to....I have a week left of smoking. I started trying to not-smoke with dude, then I almost gave up before the August disaster, and since then, I've been smoking when I'm not with him, and sucking plenty to make up for the times I am. In the almost quit phase, my folks invited me to go skiing with them, based on being a non-smoker in the whole non-smoking even outside in the snow village where they go every year. So I leave next week Thu, and by the time I meet them in Colorado on Sat, I will have to have ditched the habit! Tdoc is wetting herself laughing (she's pregnant, so that isn't too hard to achieve...) and keeps suggesting even more alternative methods to ease the pain. This week it is Devil's Claw, so a visit to the homeopathic pharmacy has been added to my list of things to do....

and the world feels good today....

2008-12-30T21:39:00.004+02:00

... there is something so basic about spending close-contact time with the dude, apart from his undisputed skill at it. It's weird, but afterwards I can really go out and slay dragons, and still drag them home, skin them and cook them for supper as well.

Today was one of those days for me - picked him up early, brought him home, had an amazing morning, and then we went shopping for camouflage shorts for him. He needs a new pair, and while they can be seen all over town on people, we can't seem to find any to buy. I said to him that I would even do the girlie thing and rush up to men and ask them where they bought their shorts, and he said that guys do that too. After a few more unsuccessful forays into clothes shops, I amended that a bit. Now I'm planning on rushing up to men wearing nice versions and asking them what size their shorts are, and if they are the size the dude takes, I'll draw my gun and make them strip off before running away at full speed...

Otherwise, bird-season still in full swing. Keep taking them to the centre, and keep getting more in. Today's sweetheart is a little weaver found half-dead in a swimming pool. He is now dry, noisy and full of attitude, and wants feeding every 15 minutes. Well, he says that that is what his real mom would be doing, but I suspect he might be stretching the truth a bit!

so sad

2008-12-27T19:16:00.002+02:00

- I've been seeing lots of articles online about the guy in California who dressed up as Santa and went and killed a large chunk of his ex-family-in-law. It's tragic, no doubt about that, but the one thread that is starting to come out is that what broke him wasn't the divorce. Or losing his job. Or having to pay his ex $10000 in settlement even though he was jobless and his own sideline business was losing money. What seems to have been the last straw for this man was that his ex-wife took the dog he adored with all his heart. To me that is just pure vindictiveness, and while it doesn't in any way excuse what he did, I can't help feeling sorry for him as well.

the faces change but the bodycount keeps growing...

2008-12-26T21:50:00.003+02:00

...am gaining little birds as fast as I ship them through to the centre. The nicest thing though was seeing 'my' red-winged starling on the last couple of shifts I worked. He's been released at the centre, which is probably a good thing given his uncouth behaviour - he flies into the clinic frequently and bounces around helping himself to whatever takes his fancy...syringes, food, a comfortable place to sleep...
On Tuesday I was feeding mealworms to an assortment of babies, and he stood next to me on the table so that he could be included on a 'one-for-them-one-for-me' basis, and if the baby concerned was too slow to grab his worm, the starling had no compunction about snatching it from my fingers! I think I raised a monster...

Saw lots of the dude in the past two weeks, but am currently having a holiday drought, and missing him greatly. Guess that is the downside of this relationship, that at the times I most want to be with him he just won't be around. Missing him, and having my entire immediate family away as well has made this the most miserable Christmas ever. When I was living in Israel I spent Christmas on my own in Nazareth one year, and I thought that was as bad as it could be. This one is worse.

so what's new?

2008-12-15T20:43:00.002+02:00

baby mousebirds
baby mynahs
baby pigeons
baby doves (for a bit of variety)
baby sparrows
baby barbet is still thriving and can now stand upright (I was beginning to worry...)
big pigeons
big mousebirds
big hadedahs
big geese
big tortoise.......

- as you can gather, not much new, although some of the faces do change!

And the dude just gets more and more wonderful. Although it's not a long-term thing, having the crisis level reduced financially has made a huge difference to his mood, and I'm reaping some of the benefits....

almost forgot!

2008-12-10T22:16:00.002+02:00

how could I not include the long awaited handover! Was thinking about what I should get pdoc for Christmas, since I saw him last thurs just befor he closed shop till Jan. Eventually decided that in the absence of any inspired ideas, I'd go with the one thing I knew he'd like. My med collection. I counted it all out, arranged it nicely in a couple of bottles tied up with a nice ribbon, and gave him my 589 almost-guaranteed pills that have been my safety net for a while. He was pleased, very pleased. I'm more than pleased that I have felt ok enough for long enough that I could give them up. He spent the rest of the appointment ribbing me about the dude. Asked with a serious expression if I thought he could hire the dude as a surrogate therapist and sniggered gleefully when I said that I'd have to refuse the job on dude's behalf. Laughed even more when I told him that since he was the one who nagged me into training in the first place, I was holding him responsible for all the vagaries of the dude-relationship. And then gave me a huge hug before sending me off for two months till I see him again.

This time last year, I was so scared of not seeing him over the holidays, and he made me see his rooms partner just in case. What a huge change there has been....

flooded

2008-12-10T21:25:00.003+02:00

with birds, with bird calls, with bird rescues....summer! I have more home dwellers than most of the volunteers at the centre because of my passion for the unloved ferals and mynahs, but it doesn't prevent me from having other species around too. Tonight's total is 30, all needing regular feeding, daily cleaning, and for the mynahs who are being hand-raised as pets, as much cuddling and contact as possible.
Oh, and in between the birdlets, there's still some paid work that needs doing. And some dude time, for which I'd ditch almost anything. He had family visiting last week, so didn't get to see him from weds till monday - and he was sorely missed. Don't know how I am going to survive two long weeks away in Jan, nor the whole festivity of Christmas and New Year when it's likely I won't be able to see him much. Guess the best thing about deprivation is the hugely satisfying reunion.

For fun and distraction on Sunday, I got roped into an Egyptian Goose rescue. Said EG family have taken over a building site on which no building has been done for about a year. So there's a 5 storey deep hole, with lots of murky water at the bottom, random bits of concrete and earth, and lots of steel bars and odd debris. Plus, for the last couple of months, a family of twelve geese who are now approaching flight time. The local offices and security staff have been helping one of our volunteers with feeding and watching them, and a few days ago one of the babies was seen with a broken wing. Rescue attempt was arranged: my boss, two guys in kayaks, and me and my goose-catching buddy because we've already proved our lack of sanity and willingness to humiliate ourselves in public....and down we went. There's a scaffold down the side of the pit, so getting in was OK. Then it was into the chest deep water that is full of yucky things and silt and nice obstacles to fall over. We managed to herd (mostly due to the kayaks) the injured gosling into a corner fairly soon, but all the geese were ducking under the water and coming up in different spots. This one did the same, and we waited for him to reappear. And waited. As we were beginning to think he'd slipped past us, bosslady saw a bubble about ten feet ahead of me. I went closer, tripped over a large concrete block, and as I put my hand down to try recover my balance, I felt something soft. The sensible half of me almost levitated right out of the water before whatever it was ate me. The rehabber half realised it was a goose neck, and that he was stuck under part of the block...dropped to my knees and felt for his body, hauled him out and held him head down to get the water out. Just as I was wondering how many breaths goose-CPR involves, he spluttered and held his head up. And there I was with a soggy gosling clutched to my chest - thank goodness it was the injured one. He has been checked out, and although it's a bed fracture, we all feel too proud of him to consider euthanasing him, so he will be rehomed to a safe conservancy with good grazing and lots of water. After which we all climbed up the scaffold, back down again because one of the others was in a smaller hole with steep sides and couldn't get out, up again, and went home soaked but satisfied. An exciting end to a busy week...

so good

2008-11-30T21:29:00.004+02:00

the dude has been battling financially, and I've been trying to help out. Part of that really burns, because it just facilitates his parasite (sorry...wife) sitting at home and doing nothing. At the same time though, I care about him. And even if she would rather he go get killed in a foreign warzone than get herself a job, I can't do the same - he is too special to me. So it's been getting to the end of the year, his project (which I truly believe is going to succeed beyond all expectations) is only likely to launch in a few months time, and the dude has been getting desperate. He can't get finance because he is a freelancer, and thanks to the cow mostly, has a fairly bad credit record. I thought hard about it, and eventually applied for a personal loan from my bank for myself. Not a huge amount, but enough to make a significant difference to him.

We met for coffee and shopping earlier, and I asked where the nearest branch of my bank was so that we could go there first. As we were heading that way, I said that I had lots of news, and did he want the bad, the good or the really good first. He kind of tensed a bit, because there has just been too much bad news lately, and said that he'd start with the really good. Told him that the loan was through already, and the reason for going to my bank was to transfer the money to his account. The way his face relaxed, and then the huge grin and the relief.... wonderful.

It reminded me again that very often the help that we can offer to others can be just enough to really make a difference to them. There are all sorts of stories that go around about things like that, not least of which is the 'pay it forward' story.
And often, what is needed is something fairly small, but it can be just what was needed most.

The bird half of life continues to expand rapidly. I did well today - took 4 birds to the centre and only gained another four at home. Net growth - zero! Well, negative, if I count the one pigeon that didn't make it. The little pink thing from 3 weeks ago is turning into a gorgeous hunk of barbet, and the mynahs (although covered in food from the head-shaking habit) are all being strong and clever and funny. oh, and noisy....

And I saw tdoc for the first time in weeks - haven't wanted to share the flu with her while she is pregnant. It was good to see her though, especially seeing as I'm still not crying except when I try end it with the dude. Tomorrow I see pdoc, which will be the first visit in 7 weeks. Mostly, because I need to see him before he closes for the year, and I want to ask him about dropping meds a bit so that I'm less lethargic all morning. And I guess I'll hand over the meds collection too. That should make him happy - and it makes me happy that I feel secure enough to do it. Of course, if there's a dude-fight, all that changes and I plummet again, but that is a recognisable and acceptable trigger. Besides....I still have alternative methods anyway! Not that I am planning on using them for a while....

full house

2008-11-30T21:29:00.002+02:00

so apart from the four cats, three dogs, numerous pigeons and mynahs, the weekend guests have included the teeny barbet (cos I don't want to give him to the centre yet), a baby sparrow who was supposed to be a mynah (only in their dreams!), a peacock in transit to a new home and a rooster. He was spotted standing at the side of a main road by a friend of mine who called me and guarded him till I got there. When I picked him up, I found that part of why he was just standing there was that his wings were tied together at the shoulders with a plastic bag - obviously someone's idea of a handy carry-pack. Also he was starved and dehydrated, but once he was untied and fed, he perked up a bit. Thankfully he was also rehomed quickly, as the hadedas are more than enough of a sunrise serenade for the neighbourhood!

And I've had regular dude-contact, not as much as I'd like, but enough to keep me sane. He is still as sweet and funny and interesting as always. I'm not looking forward to December though - there are all sorts of reasons that are going to limit my time with him - like holidays, and his sister visiting, and me having to work at the rehab centre to fill in shifts while people are away. The worst, of course, is going to be the whole Christmas and New Year period. Don't know how I'm going to get through those pretty much on my own - family will all be travelling overseas, and he'll be stuck at home for most of it. Not going to be fun....

the mynah has landed....

2008-11-26T23:14:00.002+02:00

...and another one. and one more. oh wait, here's a set of triplets. and another teeny one.....

Not quite sure what happened this past week, but I've gone from 3 fledgling-plus mynahs to those 3 and then another 14 nestlings of various ages. Not counting the three small ones that haven't made it. I'm running out of space and containers!

And something that surprised me a bit today. I haven't seen pdoc for about 7 weeks now, and the last visit was mostly because I had to get a new script. I'll see him next week just to touch base and ask if I can lower the Tofranil a bit. The difference is almost all because of the dude, and I know pdoc will enjoy ribbing me about it again, but hey - he's earned that pleasure. WTF, I might even give him the stash wrapped up with a nice festive ribbon....

coudn't resist....

2008-11-24T21:01:00.002+02:00

Powered By Discount Adult Toys

- blame a new blog discovery that I am currently reading from start to finish! Plus, with the exchange rate the way it is, that would be about enough for a downpayment on a small car. Or 3 months rent for a 2 bed house. Or....

all together now: ahhhh sweet!

2008-11-23T20:43:00.004+02:00

- one of our ex-education spotted eagle owl's fledgling babies. Pic credit to Jo-B

And a new favourite site that ranks up there with the Kitlers for funniness:
Disapproving Rabbits

- thanks to CrankyProf for the tip

the tao of shopping

2008-11-21T21:19:00.002+02:00

so the dude was on his way here this morning when his car decided to cook a bit of wire to crispy status, and then melt the corresponding fuse. First that he knew of it all was when smoke started drifting out of the cubbyhole. After that, neither of us were too keen on him driving all the way here and then back home until said wire bits have been checked out properly.

I ended up meeting him at his preferred mall, and we went grocery shopping again. He needed a couple of small things for the weekend, I needed copious amounts of cat food, dog food and bird food. People food I'm not doing this week. And once again, it struck me that everything with him is good, even the blah bits that are normally just get them done over and done with things.

It's just the way he is, the way he sees things, the comments he makes. He is interested in so many things, and he notices so much about everything. And he sparks the same kind of observations from me.

Just over 9 months (OK, not subtracting the days where I am convinced it is all over for ever) of involvement with him and 2 of knowing him before that, and it still seems that everything in the universe is better when it's with him....

but wait! that's not all....

2008-11-20T22:33:00.003+02:00

- my flu-befuddled brain forgot the sweet bit from early tuesday, when I fetched a sub-adult Common Mynah from a woman who said it seemed very unafraid of her, was weak when she found it but perked up after 3 slices of pawpaw, and was neither willing to release it near her garden nor dispose of it unethically. Which, ahem, leaves me basically, plus a few covert sympathisers.

So with the last impetus I had left, fetched the youngster and put him in with the other two I have at the moment. Of course they demanded feeding, so I obliged. When newboy saw the syringe and the baby goop, he leapt of the perch and rushed me with his mouth open - and hasn't stopped since! Guess someone is missing a hand-reared baby....

feeble excuses

2008-11-20T20:20:00.003+02:00

for the lack of posting, but it's been a crap kind of week. One of my favourite guys at work died suddenly over the weekend. And then another close colleague had a house robbery New-SA style - the kind where they are as happy if they can kill as not. His wife was murdered in front of him. It hasn't even made the papers - just another middle-class white killed for a few household items. They have three young sons...

It seems kind of insignificant after that, that I had a dude-fight on sun/mon, which is basically over the only thing we have ever fought about. No fights probably due to him being amazingly calm, and due to me not having anything at all about him that I don't love just the way he is. Other than the attached bit, that is. I can't disagree about anything important in person, because I just fold and start crying. So when it hurts too much knowing that this is all there will ever be, I send mail asking him to please leave me alone, and then I spend the next while crying until it hurts.

This one hurt more than most, because I was as horrible to him as I can be towards someone I love so absolutely, and I know it hurt him. I know from before that the emotional pain can transmute into physical hurt. But as tuesday progressed slowly and with increasing levels of soreness, blocked sinuses, coughing and fever, I eventually admitted that this was more like flu than love gone bad, and retreated to bed. Think I've slept for more hours since Tues afternoon than most people do in a week, and have moved from the bed only as far as the bathroom, and odd visits to the birds (farmed out the babiest, and domestic worker is feeding the rest) before shuffling back to bed for another nap.

But one of yesterday's waking patches was when the dude phoned, and even as I told myself how foolish and feeble I am, I was answering. We chatted about his current project and a few other things for ages, way longer than he normally will talk on the phone for, before he asked if he could come round today. He did, and although the flu prevented much, seeing him walk in and then just wrapping myself up against his body...

I think the only way out of this is if I'm dead - it really doesn't seem like the sensible bit of me counts for much anymore.

Aqua has posted on love and marriage - a beautiful and though-provoking post. I identify with the last paragraph most. I'm also the girl that nobody has ever wanted enough to marry. I guess that hasn't changed....

how cool...and how sad...

2008-11-16T22:37:00.005+02:00

...is it that last weekend was my first local rehabber contact via the blog (and 2/3 of her babes are doing well!!), and then on Weds, came the second one! Also a baby hadeda, a really weeny one, and from a completely different part of the country than both me and sunbird-mommy. What was nice for this babe was that a)mommy sounds like a nice lady that I'd also like to keep contact with, and b)fortuitously, she lives not far from the loosely affiliated rehab centre that was envisioned by one of my centre's senior members. Tragically, Adel was killed in a single-vehicle accident on the final trip she made from JHB to move the last of her stuff down to the new centre. To this day, no-one knows whether she swerved to avoid something, or had a blowout, or lost control on the gravel road. I guess, if one is going to die early, having it happen when you have sorted out all the loose ends, packed your bags and said goodbyes, and are on your way to a new life, it maybe makes it a cleaner departure. What was heart-breaking though, is that a lot of the impetus for the move came from being involved with a wonderful man, and having a vision for a new rehab centre in an area that wasn't served by any others. She had found a way to make both dreams a reality, and she deserved some time to revel in that.

I believe that there is some life after this one, and if she is into remembering people from here, I guess that maybe she would like knowing that 3 years on there are still a lot of people thinking fondly of her. Hey Adel, keep your thumbs away from territorial meerkats :-)

bad day, sad day

2008-11-13T21:58:00.003+02:00

- the dude is stressing about financial problems. It's temporary, because when his current project starts, he will be earning hugely. But meantime he is kind of in the shit. Being the dude though, he doesn't like talking about problems, and takes them entirely on his own shoulders, rather than either passing them on to the responsible party, or sharing them. I will do what I can, but I can't fix everything. I wish I could.

We met today - he asked if we could see a movie for a bit of escapism. He chose 'Body of Lies', which although very graphic, is a really good film. Kind of a different perspective on the whole West/Islam conflict - only downside for me is that I really don't like Di Caprio, never have. But although the dude was there, and let me cuddle up to him in the dark, he might as well have been in Iraq himself already for the distance he imposed. He's talking again about going to Iraq or Afghanistan as a way to sort things out. I cannot handle the thought of him getting killed over this. Seems though like I am the only one who feels that way.

I came home crying, kept crying through bird feeds etc, and then the rehab volunteer who does all the parrotty-things came over with his G/F to fetch Alex. That is the first domestic bird I've been tempted to keep, but at the same time, I know that I don't really have the passion or the time for one. There are too many wild birds that need care, and the dogs and cats as well - it just wouldn't be a good idea. All the same, it was heartbreaking to see him go, because I'd gotten very fond of him in the last week. What helped was seeing how Alex responded to K. He has whistled and made odd noises for me - within two minutes, he was talking to K, doing all sorts of cute things, showing things that he didn't show me in a full week. Good decision, but it feels strange that he isn't hanging off the side of the pigeon cages begging for a bit of baby food......

and wednesdays get wilder....

2008-11-12T21:20:00.004+02:00

....early morning race from the house after feeding the bird-brats, and taking the babiest mynah with me. The calls started from 07h15 - pigeons all over town needing help or advice. Saw tdoc, and fetched a pigeon with a broken leg from a restaurant, where he'd strayed into the kitchen. Silly bird. Last time I did a restaurant kitchen catch, it was for a weaver, and entailed the manageress leaping along the kitchen counters between piles of crockery, while I stood on top of the fridge and giggled. That took half an hour, so I was glad this one had already been boxed!

Home to the dude. Out to meet the dude for coffee. And then the tour of JHB after that, picking up birds. Total intake for the afternoon, a pinky Black-collared barbet, nestling unknown, feral pigeon juvenile, sparrow fledgling, weaver fledgling, speckled mousebird juvenile, dove fledgling....to be added to the 15 pigeons, two mynahs and a parakeet still in residence in my spare room. Phoned the centre manager to gloat about the baby barbet, and the first thing she said was 'damn - if I'd known you were going to that area I would have made you fetch and release three birds from around there'. Spring, and spring rains....

Pics are of the evil parakeet, the barbet, the unknown and my favourite view of the babiest mynah!

manic monday....

2008-11-10T22:06:00.003+02:00

...not! Well, not until after 15h00 anyway, when I started doing the birdie pickups. Which were actually more beastly today, so I now have a terrapin who was bleeding from the nose and a giant bullfrog who had intestines hanging out a hole in his side.
He just gave me a huge fright when I snuck in to feed the little mynah and almost stood on him in the semi-dark. He wasn't letting on how he got out of his basket, so it has now been reinforced. God knows how I'd explain to the vets who spent hours putting his innards in and stitching everything up that I'd accidentally flattened the frog.

The morning followed the standard pattern - stagger out of bed and feed kitties and babies, then collapse in the bath. Fall asleep before I even drink my coffee, and then wake up in panic mode cos I'm now late for most things. Last weeks delicious pattern was continued with the dude appearing early, working most of the day and being sweet and loving and funny. With a good example like that, I settled down and did some more of my IT certification studying, seeing as I did kinda push my blonde buddy into agreeing that we write by the end of November. As of today, I've now finished 42% of the course, with an 80.76% mark on the sample test questions so far. More exciting is that I'm now done with the two chapters of doom, and the next 47% is easy for me. Dude was laughing at me a bit with my muttering about the last hours work, and my hatred of vendors who don't leave a good product alone, but add all sorts of kak in to make it look like it was written for toy computers running client-servers and Unix and other silly things. And then make mainframe bigots like me learn all about it before I can do the more important m/f-specific course.

Beginning to wonder though, about how much of the nap-attacking might be related to the meds. It's not as bad as with some of the others, but it's getting annoying. The mood began to improve on 125mg Tofranil, then dipped and stabilised again at 175mg and at 200mg. It's now been about 8 months of ok-ness, other than the bad dude bits, and I don't think there's a med on earth that could get me through those unscarred. I crash about once every two weeks, mostly for a day or so, and mostly it goes away when I see him for a bit. The tiredness though, seems to be a lot more dependable - it's always here. And if I can reduce the meds a bit, maybe get some energy back and achieve more without losing the general good mood, it could only improve life. Will have to talk to pdoc about that when I next see him

good things

2008-11-09T21:56:00.002+02:00

...for a weekend that started badly, it has ended up being a pretty good one.

The nicest thing was my first local contact through the blog with another bird rehabilitator. I've "met" others through various forums, but this was a blog first, and something I've wanted for a long time. When I started posting, I tried to limit the things that I said online about my jobs, in order to limit my identifiability. After a while, when I started looking at the search terms that got to the blog, there were a lot about mynahs and other baby birds, and I felt guilty that maybe there was info that I could pass on - either from myself, or by asking other more knowledgeable people at the centre - and that I owed it to the babies to try to help if possible. Yeah, there are some permit concerns wherever indigenous wildlife is involved, but at the end of the day, it's the wildlife that wins if more people know what to do. This particular lady is very knowledgeable herself, so making contact is going to be of benefit to all of us. And she is on the other side of the country, in an area where there is a lot of wildlife (and where we've had a couple of requests for help in the past and no-one to refer them to), so it's nice to know that there is someone who is skilled and caring in the area. Nice to "meet" you, sunbird-mommy!

And the dude managed a visit this morning, which I was hoping for but not really expecting. Not for long, but it was just so good to lean up against him. He is so warm, and so right, and it feels so much like safety when he wraps his arms around me. One of the things that always startles me briefly is that he doesn't appear tall because he is so perfectly proportioned, but that he is just the right bit taller than me so that when we hold each other, my face just naturally fits into the side of his neck, my head rests perfectly against his shoulder, and our arms just slide into place. Everytime that I ever hold him close it surprises me again that he is just so completely perfect in every way, and then I breathe in his own special smell - clean, warm, sweet....unique. For me, he is home.

The other good bit is unexpected too. The Alexandrine parakeet that has been visiting since Weds night is busy charming me completely. On Friday night he let himself out of his cage, which is safe, since he is in the bird room, and everyone else is in their cages. He made it very clear that the only way he was going back would be with force and nets, and I wasn't in the mood for that, so I left him out. He also made it very plain that after he stepped up beautifully on Weds when I fetched him, he feels betrayed by having been boxed and then caged, and has no intention of doing that again for a while. If I offer him my hand he squawks, and glares, and then leans forward and very gently bites my hand three or four times. He has a huge beak, and could very easily bite really hard, and we both know that he isn't biting, as such. He is just telling me that he doesn't trust me that much yet, but that he isn't being totally antisocial. He takes food from my hand, and doesn't run too far away, so that's a good start. What is really sweet is that he must have been a hand-reared baby, because the one thing that he can't resist is when I syringe feed the mynahs - within seconds he climbs across the cages and leans over with his mouth open. I give him a few drops, which is all he seems to want, and then offer him a bit of parrot mix or fresh food, after which he scuttles off to the other side of the pigeons. I've never wanted a parrotty bird, especially with all the wild birds that come here for a while, but Alex is beginning to tempt me greatly. Wouldn't be fair to him though, so I guess I'll send him to his new home soon - just surprises me that a bird as well socialised and loved hasn't been reported missing to any of the local vets or avian specialists. I'd like to be able to take him home to the people he knows and trusts.

The not good side is that I had better get to bed soon, as I have a team meeting with my inexplicably grumpy boss tomorrow. Not looking forward to that, so I'd better sleep soon enough that I'm wide awake, cheerful and on time for that....

oh no, not another baby...please!

2008-11-06T21:22:00.002+02:00

- fat little feral pigeons (in pic), big-mouthed baby mynahs, and in between an assortment of others. The past week has included lots of baby thrushes, doves, mousebirds, bulbuls - and just for variety, there is currently a gorgeous Alexandrian (Alexandrine?) parakeet in residence. He was frightened away from home by a thunderstorm, someone spotted him in the garden and enticed him inside with an apple, and he's now staying with me for a few days in the hopes that his owner will be searching. If not, he'll be fostered to a new home. Meantime, he hates me passionately for putting him in a cage.

The pigeons and mynahs, on the other hand, greet me ecstatically, generally with mouths open and ready for feeding. There's a sweet little mynah fledgling with us at the moment who is a bit older than would be ideal for taming, but not too old yet. He's doing the dance of the deadly syringe with me at the moment, the one where he wants the baby food that the others get, but feels it might be undignified to just take it. So he opens his mouth, but as I get the syringe close enough and squirt, he leaps to the side. Food gets in just often enough to make it worthwhile, but a lot ends up around or on him, and the wall behind where he normally stands is gaining some interesting hand-rearing spray patterns. Patience...he'll either become a cuddly bird, or get wilder and be released. It's his choice.

Birds and beasts are occupying most of my time because they just keep flooding in, but enough is diverted to other things. Work is going really crap - doesn't matter what I do or say it is the wrong thing. So just trying to be inoffensive and do what I can, until things calm down somehow. The dude is working himself to a standstill on what looks as if it will be a hugely profitable idea. His concept, but he has taken a partner for finance, who is also contributing great ideas. If it works as it should, he will soon be earning megabucks - meantime, he is still broke and battling. But after another rocky weekend, he has been here for large portions of every day - mostly working, but that is still great for me. He works, I do my own work or other things, he talks about what he is doing and we cuddle a lot. So a big chunk of my day is pretty close to perfection....

so tired

2008-11-02T20:10:00.002+02:00

- i am feeling so worn down and exhausted at the moment. I am sleeping badly, even with sedatives. Mostly because I end up crying over the dude every second day or so. He is stressing about stuff, and although it is mostly good when I see him, there just hasn't been enough of it. And in between trying to have time with him, there are million birds to fetch all over the place, and there have been some really crap calls this week too. Birds that have been shot, birds hanging upside down in trees where we can't get to them.

I wake up in the morning and cry because I have to get out of bed.

yawning already

2008-10-24T20:14:00.004+02:00

and it's only just gone 8pm. Had a lovely, lazy, dude-filled day. I fed babies when I woke up, then napped in the bath for ages, and had only just emerged when the dude arrived. He is doing lots of work on his new project, but I really didn't feel like doing any studying myself, so just sat close to him, reading and talking and cuddling. In between feeding birdies of course, of which an enormous number seem to be in residence. Actually, I am developing a sneaky suspicion that the neighbourhood pigeons are dropping their less-gifted offspring off here as well. I came home yesterday to find a large juvenile standing in the road, and when I went out to check on him, he just stood there looking beguilingly up at me. Oh well...one more doesn't make much difference!

- some pics for you, of a nest of young genets that have been raised at the centre. All five were being offered for sale at the roadside, obviously pillaged from the nest, and only about 10 days old. They are all now healthy and wilding up a bit in an enclosure, although still very fond of milkies for dinner.

pics by A-M. C.

glorious thursday

2008-10-23T23:39:00.002+02:00

a nightmare day yesterday. All the insecurities and anguish roosting. Started by seeing my sister and family on Tues night, and getting this visceral smack that reminds me that I will never ever have that for myself. Never hold my child, or swell with pride at their achievements. And sometimes that really hurts.

That was followed by a morning at work, having to be on form and participate, and really getting into it. The downside, as I know from the past, is that after 3 hours on stage for an award-winning performance, I leave, and deflate, and there is nothing left of the bright and shiny character. Was holding on, because next event was the dude. Didn't happen, no message or call for 3 hours, and then it was just a cancellation. I'd screwed up all the rest of the day, just to get home for him, and he couldn't even send a message. Plummet. Freefall. Collapse of all the good bits, and into the pit. Not a good night, and subsequently not a good morning.

And then he is here, and I breathe him in, and the world shifts back into place, and there is a future. He apologised for yesterday, I bitched at him nicely. And then it was just awesome again - went to get a couple of books, lunch, talking non-stop and dreaming and sharing, magnificent sex....

Jodi Picoult's latest paperback is about ghosts, and the living, and how sometimes it can seem as if you are just missing the chance to be with your other half. And then all that is really left is to get out of this life, in the hope that you will both time it better in the next one. I told the dude today that in my next life I am hoping to meet him decades before we can love each other, but that when we meet, I will be with him for the rest of that life, completely. I will, I really believe that we will have a whole and complete life together. Just, I guess, not this time around...

red headed finch

2008-10-21T22:35:00.003+02:00

this is the male, grownup version of the minute thing in my avatar. The female doesn't have the red head. They are the same size as pet caged finches - tiny! The sweet thing about them (apart from the very large attitude) is that the inside of their mouth has black spots on a white background, which must make it a lot easier for mom to work out where to shove the food into.

We quite often get a whole nestful in at the centre, so there will be 3 - 5 little heads and mouths. They make a very loud sort of rasping, continuous hum until they are fed, so the clinic rule is normally that whoever wakes them up (by accident or otherwise) has to feed them all until they shut up again!

Photo credit to www.birdinfo.co.za

pigeons, eggs and babies

2008-10-19T23:04:00.003+02:00

- for the person asking whether it's true that pigeons always lay two eggs, one of each sex:

Almost true. The figures are based on feral pigeon research, but other species are nearly as accurate. They always lay two eggs, one day apart. In about 90% of nests, there will be one of each sex. What is really awesome though, is that in 78% of nests, the male will be the firstborn. No other species of bird comes even close to this percentage.

Apparently, the reason is that for the first 5 days or so, the male chick is stronger than the female. The eggs hatch 18 days after they are laid. It's always possible that in between the laying and the hatching, the weather or food supply might have changed significantly, and if it is only possible to raise one of the chicks, then the male is more likely to survive difficult circumstances. By 5 days though, the chicks are equal in size and strength.

This is the origin of referring to children where one is male and one is female as a 'pigeon pair'

chautauqua

2008-10-19T22:14:00.002+02:00

..using the term in the same way as Robert M. Pirsig did, a journey where one is hoping to learn from the travelling....

- at the time of the dude split, I offered to do any deliveries or collections that the rehab centre needed, no matter how far away. In the past, when I have been confused about things, I used to go driving, so that I could think while I did it. Sometimes I'd drive 3 or 4 hundred kilometres, then turn around and go back home. It didn't always give any clarity, but occasionally it produced some enlightenment. I haven't done that for ages, but when rehab boss-lady sent an email asking for assistance with long trips, I figured that maybe it would help.

- then the dude-split kind of unhappened, although I certainly still need some serious thinking to be done about all of it, but the need for long trips was still there. Mostly, it's been a question of waiting for permits to be issued at state level - for us to send things to other areas, for them to recieve them, for us to fetch things and the current carers to give them up. Eventually, all of the bits came together, and I could schedule a trip. It worked out that I'd do a big loop. Five hundred and sixty km's south-west, to deliver three meerkats to another centre that is building a tribe, as well as to drop off five region-specific tortoises close to there. Another five hundred odd in an east-south-east direction to fetch four baby black-backed jackals needing to be raised and released, and then about five hundred and eighty northerly to get them to the rehab centre, and me to my home.

- that was a lot of driving/thinking time in two days. Didn't seem to have accomplished much in the thinking way, other than to miss having the dude there to share what I was seeing, but at least all the critters got to their new homes. And I also saw some awesome scenery, lots of really special raptors, and tired myself out completely.

- arrived home to find that the dogs had mislaid their brains again, which is a regular occurence. Read them a few paragraphs from 'Marley & Me' by John Grogan where he talks about the definition of good dogs or bad dogs. My collie has mellowed as he has aged, although he still dreams of eating the cats. The Labbie and the rescue mutt are both showing signs of being bad dogs till they drop, in the same kind of way as Marley....drive you insane at the time, but hell, love them just the way they are in spite of that!

- oh yeah, and in spite of having found new batteries for the camera, and taking it all over the country, I didn't remember to actually use it at all. So no pics to share...bummer!

springtime

2008-10-13T22:02:00.002+02:00

makes me want to start rearranging the words to that old classic song 'summertime',
except for this it would be :
'springtime
and the birdies are breeding
trees are high,
and the nests they are full
babies jumping
and flying and falling.....'

or something like that. Plus a verse about the cats are a-catching and the dogs are a-chewing. And it wouldn't even come close to describing the seasonal madness. I am gaining little pigeons faster than I can fling them out, especially seeing as the current lot in the aviary have no desire at all to leave. They can tell somehow when I go in intent on releasing the biggest and healthiest. The fastest ones make a beeline for cover, behind or under the kennel where I can't extract them without risking others being flattened. The rest fly in circles. Over the weekend I thought I'd done well, by turfing about 10 out. Until I realised that as I grabbed a flying one and expelled him, the previous evictee was running back in down at ground level where I wasn't watching, and joining the kennel-campers.

I suspect I actually increased the aviary residents by about 3 or 4 who took the gap and came in too.....

don't know how to do this anymore

2008-10-08T20:04:00.002+02:00

so if I try to evaluate the last 7 weeks or so, about all I can come up with is :

- the dude is married, and he's not leaving home. I do admire him for that, even if I think his reason's kinda suck. He is unhappy, he screws around, he lies. A huge chunk of what is meaningful to him happens elsewhere and she is so completely dumb that it's a tossup as to whether she even knows it or not.

- I love him completely, and no matter how many times I ask him to please go away, when he says things like 'if that is what you want....', I fold. No, babe, it is so NOT what I fucking want. I want to be with you forever, fulltime, openly. I don't want you to ever go away. But I am trying so hard to stop this because it just hurts too much.

- he is using me at the moment, financially. Stuff that is easy to me is impossible for him , and I'm trying to pull back on the support a bit, but when he cannot keep his head out of water monetarily....I can't stand back and watch him drown. I just can't do that.

- I have been lost for the last weeks, and I feel more and more that the only way out of this is by being dead. All I want is to be with him, all I do at the moment is see him when I can, and cry myself ugly in between. All I've proved in the last two months is that I cannot get myself out of this relationship unless he will walk away, and he just won't do that

- I cry for most of every day, and drink huge amounts most nights. And every morning I leap out of bed and do stuff - feed birds, work, study. Until I know whether I'll see him or not, and then the day disintegrates. I can't even screw around anymore. Some sweet-sounding guy found me via the dating site that I put a profile on way back when the dude did, and has been mailing me now and again since then. Got as far as online chat over the weekend, he wanted to meet for coffee and see how things progressed from there. Yeah, it's a pick-up site, nothing with potential, but he still seemed comparatively nice. I mailed him back yesterday to say not yet, I just can't do it. I can't even look at having coffee - never mind shagging him silly. He's not the dude, and I just can't even pretend that it would be enjoyable.

Never mind don't know how.... don't even want to do this anymore either

very little

2008-10-03T19:11:00.004+02:00

to say.

I am working, erratically. Frustrated as all hell, because the best thing that my company has ever done for employees seems to have been arbitrarily cancelled. Apparently, one of the other teams found 'team building' to be not so pleasant. Call it cultural divide - smart, trainee, woman, two degrees and can speak 5 languages including English. And very, very (trust me on this one) narrow-minded pair of team leaders who both come from a small company-town background where even English is considered waaay too liberal, because of take-overs and outsourcing, now working for multi-national corporate. Which still has a senior layer from the same background. Winner? The cultural throwback Neanderthals. I am too pissed off to even bother complaining.

Bird baby-season in full swing. Lots of screaming mouths, regular transfers to the centre, still not quite keeping up.

And the dude. Not quite over. Some of the parameters have changed, but not by much. I said to him on Weds that one of the things that I am obviously not very good at yet is not seeing him. As I gave him back his keys to my house.....

This is worse than giving up smoking cocaine. I managed that easily, and quickly, and although sometimes I still think back to how completely good it made me feel, in more than 7 years I have never considered even looking for a Nigerian.

Then again, crack never sent me a text message to say that it was thinking of me, but would respect my decision not to see it. He does. And an arbitrary message to say have a good day, or something similar.

And more than anything, there has never been any person, place or distraction that has made me breath deeply when I encounter it and then, with my entire body, heart and soul feel that this is it. I am home, at last...here is where I belong.

Above anything, above everything, that defines the dude....

adult hadeda ibis

2008-09-21T20:49:00.002+02:00

- a common silly joke around JHB, presuming one has heard the shrieks of 'ha-ha-HA-DE-dah'...
why do hadedah's shriek? Because they are scared of heights, so they are yelling 'where-the-F*CK-ARE-we'....

confusion reigns even more

2008-09-16T21:57:00.002+02:00

what can I say. Dude collected posessions on friday, I have howled for 4 days solid, even while I did a 200 km round trip to pick up a small duiker (alsation sized buck)that had been hit by a car - but was pretty damn feisty nonetheless - and deliver him to our antelope-specialist vet.

Today he appeared out of the blue for 'coffee'. He had it. I am even more of a wreck than I have been for the last couple of weeks. Posts on either/both blogs to follow, once I have found where I mistakenly left my brain. Cos it sure as heck ain't with me today...

google search: why don't you find baby hadeda ibises

2008-09-11T18:56:00.003+02:00

given their domination over JHB skies - especially at sunrise (!!) - a good question. Answer is because they mostly nest really high in very big trees, so any babies that fall before they fledge (and can therefore at least glide, even if not fly properly) are pretty dead by ground-impact time.

I wonder why more little (well, comparatively, at least) bodies aren't found, but my guess is that they are often confused with semi-adult pigeons. We get an awful lot of baby pigeons that are thought to be hadedas. And the rest are probably eaten by dogs etc.

But baby hadedas are really cute - picture an adult reduced in size to about a quarter, with fluff instead of feathers, and a beak of an inch or two in length. The pic is of a fledgling, so already has feathers and is quite a bit bigger

so the dudeblog is effectively dead

2008-09-11T17:39:00.002+02:00

no reason for a dude blog without a dude, is there. Keeping it at the moment so that I can go back and torment myself late at night with it - cant work out how to copy it all formatted etc to anywhere else.

so friday two weeks ago I did the ultimatum/end the damn thing bit. Didn't see him till tues when he just arrived, said no decisions yet, and we were in bed before the kettle had even boiled. Lots of time and chat for the rest of the week, till eventually on tues I said that he needs to talk.

He did. I cannot remember a word of what he said, although I am trying desperately to recall it. Basically? Over. Gave back his keys to my house, some stuff still to exchange. I knew when I did the choice thing what he would have to choose, but it was the only way I could walk away from him. Even after that, he was still surprised by not being able to keep seeing me anyway as friends. I'm not his friend. I love him. I can't do casual anymore..

I am cold and numb and dead inside. Only wish that the deadness could get to the rest of me.

hurting

2008-08-31T17:02:00.002+02:00

earlier today I was doing the birdy cleaning up, and looked at the container readying itself to go the glass recycling dump up the road. Large number of vodka bottles for the last two weeks, since the dude-baby was first mentioned.

On Friday we met, had coffee, talked a bit and went to see a funny movie. The movie, and everything else for the day was made even better because of his comments. He picks up on things that are awesomely funny, but would be missed if he didn't highlight them. Same for the rest of life with him - it would fly beneath the radar if he didn't highlight things, and then it's hard to see how one could ignore such funny/strange/amazing things.

We talked for about 3 hours, and at the end of it the only thing that was clear to me is that I just don't wanna even try to do this anymore if he's not around. And he wasn't promising anything more than he always has. Friends, f**K-buddies. Whatever. I came home alone, and all I could see was that I want to be with him, seriously, permanently. And that that is just not going to happen, but in the meanwhile I will do wahtever I have to just to pretend that maybe it could, so that I can keep on dreaming and hoping.

Did my level best to flatten that, later that night. Sent him a mail saying I can't be friends, and that I see only two options. Stay home or stay here. Roughly. Told him I'd like an answer by next weekend, either way. And started a serious drinking weekend.

So about an hour ago, I came up with a brilliant simile, albeit with a 3rd in me already. This is like an abscess. It's gonna hurt a whole lot regardless. So if it gets drained, it hurts way more now, but ends up healing. Might not, either, might just stay infected, and keep hurting like hell, and end up killing me. So drinking right now hurts, and I cry a lot, but maybe it gets the pain out faster.

Who am I fucking kidding. This is like trying to squeeze your lungs out via your throat, and then being surprised that breathing is difficult.

Never going to stop hurting, never gonna be easier once they're gone..,.

dual post...

2008-08-28T22:58:00.000+02:00

- for jcatblog and the dudeblog, so maybe shorter on specific detail, but - really - all that has happened in the last three weeks has been dude-centered. So what's to say?

We were on track for time away together, after a contact-deprived fortnight for one reason or another. First off was supposed to be our standard Sunday quickie, which fell through. OK, desperate, but OK.

He came over on Monday night, held me very close and told me that he had found out on the Sunday that his wife was 13 weeks pregnant. I froze. He held me tighter, and said that he had to tell me in person. And then we went to bed and made love as never before. I told him that - as I had said way before - kids change things, and that this would mean the end of everything between him and me.

Between a visit and mail on Tues, we sort of talked a bit, and I begged for the time away together as the requiem. Rather than the celebration it was planned as. He agreed. So after a lot of holding close, we went away on Monday.

Nightmare from the start. I was half terrified, half ecstatic, and so determined not to let my emotions stuff up the last time together. I didn't need to, because his wife did. Text messages every 10 or 15 minutes together, and when I eventually looked annoyed enough he offered to turn the sound off. I said it wasn't the sounds, but the fact that I really needed to have him be with me, just me, even if for a short time. He tried, but didn't make much difference - the frequency dropped by about 5 mins or so. And as he said, if he didn't respond it would be worse. I hated her so much that night. She has everything going for her - age, beauty, lifestyle. And him, above all, him. Add having his child to that, and the fact that I would be giving up my love to send him home for good...I needed him so much, just for a while.

The next day started off ok - apart from the messages. Then, through no choice, we were out of contact with the world for a while. A landline call at lunch said wife was nauseous. By 15h30, it was many messages from the MIL to say she had cramps. He asked if I would take him to wherever he could catch a bus, I said not to be silly - it would be way faster to drive, and without him there was no reason for me to be there. So we left, raced back, hardly spoke for most of the trip. I bought a pack of smokes after two days of not smoking at all. And I cried a lot. He bit his nails. After a while we both tried to talk shit, so that we could pretend that the world wasn't disintergrating.

She lost the baby a day later, at 14 weeks. I cannot concieve of how awful that is. For her. For him. I am tormented by how much I hated her on Monday, by how we were 5 hours away because of my dream, by how him being here would not have changed what happened but that he and I will never forgive ourselves for it anyway.

We have spoken briefly since. Today he said that no matter how bad this is, he cannot allow it to become his definition forever. And that he wants to come over tomorrow to talk. Originally he was supposed to visit to say goodbye and return each other's belongings. That was hard enough to face. Now? I don't know what he will need from me, but whatever it is, I have no option. I love him completely. If he needs to talk or love or ignore it, if he needs money or a timeout, if he needs me to rip my heart out and pretend for the next few days that we are all cool with life.. whatever he wants from me, I will be there to support him.

Afterwards? I don't know. I have to keep it together for as long as he needs me, and for long enough after that to distance him from the wreckage. For the last two weeks, I haven't been able to stop myself from visualising flames and walls and dying 'accidentally'. I cannot see anything past saying farewell to him, and I am way too old and ugly to believe something like this could happen again. Doesn't matter that I didn't expect it or even see it coming - it happened, and it has changed me irrevocably. And you know what? Being with him and loving him has ripped me apart three times in six months, it has cost me a small fortune, it has made me a deceitful, lying, conniving bitch in many ways. But even now, I cannot really say that i wish it had not happened. So it will most likely kill me, but if nothing else I can honestly say that I know what love is.

And it's worth it, really.

forgot to mention

2008-08-05T20:32:00.002+02:00

that I finally gave in and bought myself a Wii console, with the intention of getting the Wii Fit too. If they were available, that is. After many calls and enquiries, I am now on the waiting list for one. Which I might get in the next month, but no guarantees. I cannot believe that something like this is completely sold out in every damn store in town!

Well, until I tried the Sports game. I am hooked, obsessed and cannot wait for my Fit to get here! This is more fun than any kind of exercise except sex. So now I'm being semi good and alternating the stepper and the Wii. And I have my first Wiinjury too. From baseball I think, after I was soooo determinded to win a game that I smacked every ball with all my might - won the game, but now have a lame left bicep. Not that that has stopped me...just playing tennis and bowling instead!

consistency is key....

2008-08-04T21:12:00.003+02:00

which basically means....a litle bit more of everything! I kinda like this. It's almost normal, I guess, as opposed to the long periods of gloom. Mood overall is still on the positive side. There are a few all over the scale days, but I'm managing to keep a hold on them somehow. Mostly by dude-thoughts, but also because I figure that life overall isn't always positive.

It's one of the scariest things about MDD etc, that it becomes so much of a question over every day. Yeah, so today (theoretically) was crap - but is it just because sometimes crap days happen? Or is there a good reason for feeling crap today? Or is this the start of another bad one.... Doubt everything. Don't trust happiness in case it's delusional. Don't allow sadness in case it's the beginning of a plunge. Don't cry in movies in case you can't stop. Don't laugh too much because the gods might notice. Don't, don't, don't.

I figure the last three weeks are still in balance though. Big scare with my mom, big unhappiness with work, big joy with the dude. Good bird stuff, and some bad. Lots of running around arranging things. Way too much socialising with old-buddy, who, TG, has now gone back to Oz - I couldn't have coped with much more! For someone who has just hit the big 6-0, she is still impossible. Complains bitterly about being dragged home at 04h00 by 'party-pooping faders' i.e. me, and then charms me into doing it all over again a couple of nights later. It was so good to see her though, because our friendship really doesn't thrive without personal contact.

It was good to spend time with my folks, although it wasn't a great reason for doing it. I am reminded all over again that my dad is almost 75, my mom almost 70, and that they aren't indestructable. But I am still nowhere near ready to not have them around, and somehow I don't think I will ever be. It's different in a way it seems, if you have your own kids, and make the leap from being the child to being the parent. Lately I've seen a whole lot of views from both sides of the table, and it doesn't matter how old one is or how much one has achieved...that switch is the key. OK, so Britney is not gonna get there ever, but I guess there have to be exceptions!

The dude. It's almost hard to believe that the huge bust-up was only about 5 weeks ago, because so much has changed since then. The basics are still there - enormously physical relationship which appears to be very satisfactory for both of us, lots of fun whatever we do. From my side I'm not trying to play cool anymore, and - in his own way - doesn't seem like he is either. Well yeah, he's just not going to ever be the kind of guy who cries in movies, but he really doesn't mind showing the soft bits. What I like at the moment is that he is dropping the ultra-easygoing facade bit by bit, and - even on minor things - telling me what he'd prefer. Telling me when he is not in a brilliant mood and why, rather than giving out tiny clues for hours. Small things, mostly, but for someone who has spent years perfecting the self-contained fortress, every small thing is a very vulnerable spot. He was awesome with the whole upset over my mom - spent time with me on Weds, called on Thu at exactly the time he knew I'd be on my way to the airport, called twice on Fri and sent sms's while I was sitting with her, and called again on Sat as I was boarding my flight back. Nothing intrusive, nothing unusual said - just enough support though, so that I felt good, felt that he was thinking about me and that he cared. It really makes a difference. To everything...

and a bit more of most things

2008-07-30T23:30:00.002+02:00

so, the chicken and two mynahs and a bunch of pigeons all went to their new home at the beginning of the week. Chook, of course was a huge hit. She must be the ugliest bird I have ever seen, but somehow appealing anyway. What was really funny was to see Gustav the Egyptian goose (who is a non-flier that I homed there a year ago) stalking around her with this look of "WTF is this thing"! Cockatiel went today, so now it's down to 9 feral pigeons.

And I'm off to visit my parents at the other end of the country tomorrow. We had a really bad scare, when the gynae found a 5cm tumour on my mom's ovary. Emergency surgery this morning, and thank God it was benign. Didn't realise until my dad called with the results and I basically folded up and sat on the floor cos all my muscles went limp, how tense we'd all been. Going down just to keep them company and do whatever errands I can to help.

Otherwise, my focus is totally dude-centric, and awesome. Almost six months now, and just gets better every day. And scarier, because he is so totally different to me, and sometimes I am really not sure of what I have let myself in for. Dude-blog post to follow, probably tomorrow, about the last week or so. In a detached observer way, it interests me that I see him as so strong, and so in control, but that - as is happening at the moment - if there is anything or anyone that threatens him, I would kill without any qualms. If that was what was needed.

In the rehab context, I have euthanased when birds or animals have been in pain beyond fixing. I drew my line at doing it based on 'invasive' species like mynahs or ferals, which is how I ended up being the specialist in those species. I have only ever killed once on purpose, when I hunted a blesbok and shot it. My cousin, who arranged the hunt (and selected the buck, as an unwanted male that he would have had to cull regardless), also made sure that I did everything else - the head shot, bleeding out, slaughtering and processing the meat. I will probably never ever hunt again, but if I have to, I know that I can do it. As an extension of that, while I don't think I would ever choose to kill a person for any other reason, if they threaten what I love, I don't believe that I would have a problem with that either. It's a very small group that I would defend that way - immediate family, three maybe four others, and the dude. Him especially, although he is more than capable of looking after himself. Guess this is something I should raise with girlshrink when I see her next week. Oh yeah, but I'd need to add her and pdoc to the group as well!

a little bit of everything

2008-07-18T21:34:00.003+02:00

some rehab time, both at the centre and at home. I got conned royally though, when I went to fetch a feral pigeon on Monday, by Boss-lady. She gave me this semi-serious talk about how nice she had been to keep the pigeon for me, and then announced that as recompense for that she had a special case for me to look after. And gave me.....
a chicken. Seriously. This is a plump, healthy adult chook, who was obviously on her way to be sold as live meat-on-the-umm,claw? and escaped from the back of the transport truck. She bailed out...on a really busy road in the middle of rush hour traffic. Bear in mind that her wing feathers have been stripped bare, so apart from the natural chicken-flight incapabilities, she would have fallen like a fat round rock. Having not been slaughtered or run over or picked up by the large pedestrian contingent for supper, she ended up at the rehab centre. And then, ended up with me. She needs time for her (viciously-trimmed) beak to regrow a bit, and maybe her wing feathers too, and then I'll have to find her a permanent home. Meantime, she has very proudly laid two eggs, so it's either going to be a whole flock for homing, or I'll have a lot of new-laid omelettes!

some work time too, partly in the ongoing team-building program that is the only good thing that my boss, the virtual manager or ball-less wonder, as he is mostly known, has ever done. It was an awesome session, with just my immediate team and the facilitators, who are really good. A few other bits too, just to justify my bill at the end of the month.

some study time as well. This is so not fun studying - but it's important, and I was reminded this week that it will also increase my marketability quite a bit. And I get this little smirk every time I settle down to do it, because I think about the dude and how he is motivating me.

some buddy time - one of my longest-lasting friends is over here from Australia for three weeks, and it is great to see her. We just don't connect well via mail, but in person it's as if the years apart never happen.

and best of all, lots of fun dude time. He wanted to see if we could find a shoulder holster for his handgun, so it included lots of surfing to find local stores, and then a couple of outings to try and get one. Found a great one for me first, and then today we found one for him. I just love going places with him, even when we get a bit lost or sit in heavy traffic. There's always something to talk about, and mostly to laugh about too, and nicest of all, he holds hands for a lot of road-time and I can just enjoy feeling how strong he is, and how warm... :-)

mood-wise, still all over. I cry a lot, over nothing. But in between I am so, so happy. Love really does make most things better.

celebrating a saturday...

2008-07-12T22:03:00.003+02:00

....the last week especially has felt just as good as it used to feel when I was a kid and there was a school holiday. There's this whole anticipation when you wake up, thinking about all the things you could do today if you wanted to, and all the things that you don't have to do as well!

I knew I hated the #2 job, and that it wasn't good for me or for them really, but until this Monday I hadn't realised exactly how much I hated it. The theory was that I was helping them out, and that in turn, the extra cash would help with the dude-expenses. But it didn't really work either way, and not having to go there this week felt so awesome.

Added to which, there has been lots of extra-good dude time. At a cost, of course, but it's a cost I am willing and able to afford for now. Stuff like he drives a really old and unreliable car, won't have it rewired because it's expensive. It's an amount that I would think twice about blowing on nothing, but I've paid for family dinners where a meal for 5 of us was about half the total - just for dinner. So telling him to get it done, even if he jokes about 'permission from the bank manager', is not an issue for me. What is a problem is when he can't get here because of the car, or when he ends up stopped on the side of the freeway in a not-great area. In the same way as I'm used to living with a family who can generally spend way more than I can without blinking, I'm now getting used to being with someone to whom my ad-hoc expenditure is huge. Only thing that I wish I could get him to appreciate is the value of what he does for me, and how priceless some of that is.

One example? He is really keen on studying further, both for his own knowledge (bible studies, general business courses) , and for possible future earnings (health-related serious courses). He asked about what I could be doing that would benefit me in my current career, and I mentioned IBM certification. He nagged me until I found out what was involved, then he nagged till I ordered the books. He was more excited when they came than I was. So last night I skimmed through the 1st one, then registered for an online sample exam. 90 minutes of sweat, plus some serious throw the textbook at the PC moments, but I passed it !!... so once I've read the textbook, I'm sure I'll be able to do it for real. Sent him a joking text, get one back saying 'I am proud of u'. That's priceless. It really is.

Having him with me yesterday for an hour's drive to a nearby town to drop off a stray kitty that I'd found a home for was wonderful. The way he let the cat out of the basket because she was scared, and the way he sat for 30 minutes with her in his arms, so that she was so comfortable she fell asleep (and farted like a champion 'cos she'd overeaten in the morning!) was more than wonderful. Not to mention the way he made me laugh for 3 hours, the way we talked crap about anything and everything the whole way back, the way being lost in a strange city was fun instead of being stressful. Priceless, and more valuable than he will ever know. And that's before I even get into how good it is to drive with my hand on his leg...:-)

Blush. This post is on the border of being banished to the dude-blog, but think I have managed to keep it anonymous and under a PG rating!! To sleep, to sleep....less than twelve hours to dude-alicious time again...

yay!

2008-07-04T22:30:00.002+02:00

I got fired, albeit very nicely and not in so many words, from the #2 job today. Seems like very nice boss-lady has finally realised what I knew a while ago - that I am not skilled enough in the area that she needs to make much of a difference, and that what would help for her - having a warm body on site all day - isn't really feasible for me at the moment. So she told me tactfully today by phone that she thinks that new trainee guy can handle most of what is needed while she is away, and that if I can finish off the code I am working on, she'd prefer it if I could be available but not involved. What can I say? I gapped out of there like the proverbial bat, danced into the dude's arms when I got home singing 'i got fired! i got fired!' It was a favour for a friend, and I knew within a few days that it wasn't a good match, but at the same time I didn't want to let bosslady down anymore than I was already by being a useless programmer.

But yay! All I have to do is finish off some testing, and then I am out of there! I am so relieved that I am not even going to think of billing them for this weeks hours!

calmer waters

2008-07-01T21:52:00.002+02:00

horrendous weekend. Not only the whole dude crisis, but just about everything else. Including Fridays arrival of an extra ten starving little pigeon bodies, so all my normal crisis coping mechanisms had to be avoided in order to get feeding done at about the right times.

Didn't really matter, because between Friday afternoon and late Monday, I couldn't have made myself sleep for more than 4 hours even with the liberal application of a ten pound hammer to my head, the thought of food or drink just made me race for the toilet to puke, and there was no ways that I could lie in the bath either. So about all I did was cry, pace, cry, smoke, cry, shiver with cold. First time this year that I have had to wear layers of clothes and slippers and duvets, and even so I stayed cold for three days.

And then the dude was here, and while it's not exactly a past issue, it's sorted for now. There is a lot I need to think about for myself, but he is still in my life. And the world kind of resolved again. I eventually ate of Monday evening, slept, went back to shorts and tees....

Oh, and didn't get fired from 2nd job, although I was really hoping I would be. Instead, I reduced my rate, agreed to more hours on site, and finished fixing the code I was working on. And realised too, that the last three months of good mood are far more a result of the dude than the meds. Bummer.

A whole lot of issues to think about, and decide on....but for now I feel kind of like one of those '50s girl bands, all pink and bubble-gum and doo-wop while they sing about the boyfriend is back and the universe is good again. Eeeww! that is just so not me! Or maybe it is??

yeah, well. apocryphal title....

2008-06-27T22:20:00.002+02:00

oh god, yeah...how much of a dork can I be. Obviously, a whole lot more than I thought was even possible.....

rest of post, I guess, goes to the dudeblog by default. For the last time. Lets just say that the odds of ever having anything more to say dude-wise are probably below zero. And along with that, my interest in ever saying anything more is also pretty much zero.

dork is polite. Fuckwit stupid loser asshole is more apt.

joke of the week for me? Has to be the bit about how dude has become the best of all words and a substitute for most of the cussing as well. So tonight, where dude also signifies the whole rip my heart out and eat it while it bleeds..... what can I call myself. Dudewit dude-blank dude-aholic dudehole doubledude.....

so how much of a dork can i be....

2008-06-24T19:50:00.002+02:00

...in this case, work-wise. So after an awesome dude-visit on saturday, a did-i-actually-do-anything day on sunday, I was back at office #2 on monday. After having scaled off to work at home for most of last week. Spent the whole trip there hoping that I'd get fired, only to discover that boss wasn't in the office. The whole IT dept seems to consist of 5 people including me, one of whom is boss, one of whom is new trainee programmer and one of whom is me. The other two don't talk much. There are also some random other-companies support staff who do stuff, but I haven't quite worked out what yet.

So after I didn't get fired 'cos there was no-one there to do it, I sat down and worked hard for a couple of hours and finished fixing the code I was working on last week. Eureka! Only took me as long as the average 5 year old would take.... Escaped while I was ahead, and came home to do lots of errands before a dude-evening. About two minutes after he said he was hungry, the power went off, so when it didn't come on, we went out for supper. Nerve-wracking, because he knows way too many people, but great anyway, and then a few more hours at home before he left.

Another good visit this morning, and then back to office #2 to see if I was still employed. No sign of boss, and I am starting to vaguely recollect something about her taking this week off, but I am such a wuss that I didn't ask anyone except trainee, who doesn't know either. Sat around a bit, escaped to do more errandy stuff, and looking forward to another dude visit in the morning.

After which....hmmm. Could visit the office again to see if I am employed/fired/have more work.... possibilities are endless. Dork!

phew!

2008-06-20T21:20:00.002+02:00

so, having gone through the last few months, I reckon that everything that could identify the dude is now hived off to a separate blog. Might make this one seem a bit disjointed in places to begin with, but hopefully I'll be able to split dude-IDable stuff off from dude-daily info.

talking of which....funny how a word become part of you. Like 'dude' - it's never been a word that I've used, but it sort of snuck in with talking about PT. Then it became the dude's nick as well, and then it became what I call people when I am trying not to call them brainless fucking morons. Like the one who stands in the middle of the road while I'm driving. Or the one doing something stupid at work. And and and. So it now has a hundred different tones, depending on which dude I mean.

this is awful. My vocabulary is regressing. If I start saying like in terms of anything other than a comparison, please shoot me... like right now, dude!

BTW

2008-06-18T22:08:00.002+02:00

am thinking I need to take the blog private. It kind of negates the original point, of trying to share the joys of bipolar and life with other people in similar places. Of becoming part of an international group of friends being supportive and sharing things.

That has happened, and I really appreciate the loose community that I feel part of. Quite a few different kinds of people, in very different places, many of whom I regard as important to me, even if we are unlikely to ever meet in person.

But while I am willing to claim blog-me in RL if it ever happens, I don't think that's a choice that other people should face. Other people? So OK, only concern here is the dude. I can't not talk about him, but I worry that I am identifiable by what I write, and so he might be too, and the consequences of that are not mine to accept.

So, Aqua, Pol (UK), Polar Bear, Annie, Lara...there are few more repeat visitors who I haven't blog-met yet.... think I am going to take this one private for a while. Mail me at the jcat456 gmail addy, and I'll send passwords etc....

strange and interesting times

2008-06-13T18:17:00.004+02:00

so this morning started out with the next weapon in the stop smoking armament: hypnosis. The acupuncture has helped with cutting down enormously, sometimes even to no cigarettes at all (ok, those days have included a couple of drags on the old and dusty grass, even though I don't actually like feeling stoned anymore), but doesn't seem to be quite enough to kick it completely. What is strangest for me is that I don't even want to smoke at all when the dude is here, I would rather just breathe his unique scent. Days where I don't see him or where he is gone early are still bad though. So round two is the hypnotist lady.

I had to really beg her to take me because she said she isn't certain enough that I want it for myself. I do, but it is also way harder than I thought it would be. I was trying to get really honest with myself about why after the first appt on Weds. Closest I can get to it is that if the dude smoked I probably wouldn't even think of giving up. He doesn't, and I want to do it for him firstly. At the same time though, I have had enough positive comments from other people - without me saying anything to them at all - that I am kind of liking the idea apart from him. I'm at the stage now where I want it to happen, but I'm also realistic enough to see that without him I'd probably slip back to my previous 50-odd a day. It doesn't help that so many of my close friends smoke, and a couple are being really hard-headed about it being my decision not theirs, and smoking when we are together. And I am so feeble that I instantly scrounge a few and join them. So this is also going to impact on my already limited social life, because I just can't sit with people who are smoking and not do it myself. It's going to have to be a case of either they don't smoke or we don't meet. And being at home alone also doesn't help, because I pace around and end up convincing myself that tomorrow is a good time to stop completely. Hahaha.

so hypnotist lady did her stuff this morning. We'll see how it goes, but so far all the techniques aren't even touching sides. Only thing that helped for the day was having the dude here for most of it. And it was another awesome day, mostly.

so no news is just....no news, I guess

2008-06-10T21:12:00.003+02:00

pretty much nothing has changed since friday. Sister is still sick, with a tennis ball sized hole in her abdomen, after the wound was cleaned and debrided over the weekend. She reckons that's an improvement on her tummy smelling like a very dead body was lying there, but otherwise it's all pretty grim. And will likely take about 3 months to heal. Ouch.

second job is still highly stressful, and first one is, I reckon going to be an ex one soon. I don't need daily management, but I do need backup, and I'm just not getting it. Which, according to my manager this morning, is just about everyone's fault except his. So fine...reckon I will accept a restrictive contract for now, and see what else is available. I need the money.

And the dude is still wonderful. Friday's dumb questions seem to have gone the way of any serious-type discussion with him - into the ether or wherever things like that go to moulder away. He was here on Sunday, and spent ages doing some house-repair for me, something that was annoying me but that I thought was unfixable. He fixed it. I occupied myself by taking pics of him working, to give me something more to stare at soppily. Including a sweet one of him smiling, and a really sweet one of his butt. Tight focus....hehe.

all around part #2

2008-06-06T19:48:00.002+02:00

so this evening is the down bit, I guess. Suppose it has to happen when almost everything is good, just to remind me of how fragile the balance really is.

The second job is still highly stressful. All that I have in my favour is that I told my boss there on Monday that I wasn't good enough to do what they need, although I was willing to try and learn, and also to try find them someone more suitable. Seems though that they want to try the learning bit, because they aren't telling me to piss off yet. I would if I were them, and I keep expecting it every day.

My sister is back in hospital, still really not well. First job is giving me extra uncertainty, and the rehab is alternating between excessive guilt because I can't do what they want and trying to fit in the care for what I'm already looking after.

Have been surviving on my normal fixes - pdoc, girlshrink, Duckbuddy and, more than anything, the dude. The last couple of weeks since the idiot letter, he's been here almost every day, and for much longer visits, and it makes a huge difference to my outlook.

There's an old lawyer's rule though, something about never asking a witness a question that you don't already know the answer to, and today I stepped headfirst into that one. It seemed at the time like a good point to try and see what his view of things is. Not. I asked how long he thought the whole thing with him and me might last for. So he said no idea, and that he doesn't want to think about it. Take it one day at a time and don't make plans. And that if you think about bad things, you can bring them into being.

I don't know if I agree with the last point. Because then you should also be able to bring good things into being, the same way. And I have thought and dreamed and wished so much in the past few months for a future with more of him in it. Ain't happening though, is it. More fool, me...

oh boy

2008-05-31T00:47:00.002+02:00

so after another delicious dude-visit, with a fairly good walk, I headed off to new job for the first time. Umm. Could land myself in trouble with this one! What they want most of is the entire sector of my possible job that I have done nothing with in the last 8 years. OK, so when I hit a moment of OMG get me outtahere midway through the afternoon, I went outside, scrounged a smoke and put in some SOS calls to get me a few manuals for the weekend. I now have two huge folders to read through and absorb, plus some take-home work, a fancy laptop and dialup conn to get it done with. Oh bloody boy indeed.

At the same time as I am scaring myself witless with what I seem to have talked myself into, I am also so, so loving it! This is so much who and what I used to be before the demon wolf got his fangs into me. I used to regularly get myself into water that was substantially deeper and warmer than I could handle truthfully, and whenever it got down to crunch-time, I could always put in the effort and mindpower to get myself through it. Then I hit the first major depression, and even in what I've regarded as good times since then, I've never really tested my work ability again.

I have gotten so used to either not trusting myself or to regarding myself as worthless. That view still holds for most things, but in terms of work, I know it shouldn't. This has always been the one area that - if I can keep my self-loathing out of it - I am very capable at. Not through anything I do, it's just the way my weird brain works.

And once again, the motivating factor here is the dude. Just by being around, just by the way he views life - and the way I deeply wish that he views me.... he gives me a kind of bedrock to go out and do stuff from. I want so much for him to see me as competent and successful, and that desire is enough to make me present myself and my skills in a way that I can hardly remember, but that used to be integral to my achievements.

Not saying that I have ever really possessed the beliefs, but that I used to be able to do the 'fake it until you make it' bit in public, even if I then went home and tortured myself over most of it. Last few years though, I haven't even tried most of the time. There just hasn't been any desire to. After all, if I know I am basically a stuff-up, and most other people agree, what's the point in trying to change things? He reminds me of the reasons - the whole wanting to succeed bit, however it happens.

Hit a bit of a low coming home this evening, the standard - I guess - weekend blues for someone who is older and uglier and less-married than the beloved. New territory for me, though. I'd like to think that this is happening because he finds me fascinating and funny and lovable and desirable...the way I feel about him. Friday night blues remind me that that is so laughable and unlikely. But the holdover from the rest of the day is keeping me going with the thought that maybe I can make this continue anyway.

After all, it wouldn't exactly be the first time in human relationships that someone old and ugly has been able to buy the affection of their loved one for a while. Maybe for long enough for some real caring and love to develop.

Guess after the end of a hard week blues, segueing straight into the late night desperate dreams is also kinda standard. And stupid.

"Ain't it hard when you wake up in the morning
And you find out that those other days are gone?
All you have is memories of happiness
Lingerin' on.

You might wonder who can I turn to
On this cold and chilly night of gloom
The answer to that question
Is nowhere in this room.

All your dreams and your lovers won't protect you,
They're only passing through you in the end.
They'll leave you stripped of all that they can get to,
And wait for you to come back again."

Neil Young, 'Star of Bethlehem'

much better

2008-05-29T23:01:00.004+02:00

turns out that my sister is allergic to the suture material. How weird is that. So everywhere she had little stitches turned up all swollen and blocked the whole bowel off. New stitches with a different material, and hopefully she'll be fine once she stops hurting from the 6" incision down her stomach. Yay!

and the meeting? Was a relative of a friend making a referral.... a medium size company that needs some contracting done urgently. Nice timing after the upgrade, so it looks as if I'll do a whole whack of hours for the next three weeks, and after that, if we are all happy, it will become a regular contract to tackle specific projects and to try keep the daily stuff happening. Not quite my area of expertise, but close enough that I can probably do all that they need for now. So bonus!! extra expenses are covered for a few months. Heck, I love it when a plan comes together! Even if I hadn't made a plan to begin with...

not good

2008-05-28T20:37:00.003+02:00

so sister's surgeon is busy doing more surgery at the moment, after 4 days of her being sick 24/7. I'm really, really scared for her. Trying to sidetrack myself with all sorts of other stuff until she comes out of theatre, although I guess we won't know whether the problem - whatever it might be - is fixed for a while. Think this might be enough to put me off the bypass surgery for a while.

very tense day

2008-05-26T22:11:00.002+02:00

my sister, who although also kind of obese, has always been one of the sexiest people I know, decided to have gastric bypass surgery last week. On sunday, after 5 days of recovering well, she started puking and then developed diarrhoea. Seems that there is some post-op complication causing it, and she's been having x-rays every hour or so all day and probably all night too. Prayers for her, please....

in spite of the extra worry, I managed to stick to last night's decision (umm, made after I finished the smokes in the house, roughly 15 for the day...blush) to stop doing the reduction bit and go cold turkey on the cigarettes. No smoking all day - except for 3 tiny tokes on a very tiny joint. Although I did stand outside in the street earlier breathing as deeply as I could because one of the neighbours must have lit their wood fire - it smelt wonderful. Am wondering whether burning food in the oven would also be so delicious to breathe.

sanity for the day was restored by a longish dude visit. Supposed to be constructive surfing, but ended up being a fair bit of bouncing all over the web and looking at all sors of stuff. It is just so comfortable to sit next to him with my head on his shoulder, talking shit and laughing, holding hands and relaxing. WTF...this is the woman who takes a book everywhere, even the toilet, and who can normally not sit still long enough to watch an entire movie...

saturday night movies....

2008-05-24T22:30:00.002+02:00

...just been watching the Morgan Spurlock documentary 'Super Size Me'. Scary stuff, even though I routinely avoid fast foods, almost as punishment for myself. I probably have either MacD, KFC or any other take-away about once a month. Doesn't make me any thinner, but I can hope that it at least isn't making me fatter either. It really surprised me to see the dude on thurs having a McFeast for breakfast, and then when I texted him to see if there was anything he wanted for lunch, he asked for another one. Guess it can be done occasionally.

Reading yesterday's post, and Aqua's comment over again...I'm not suicidal. There've been maybe about 5 days in the last four months where I'd have rated myself as there, including last saturday. One of the first signs for me of suicidality is that I stop caring about anything after this life, and all I want is out of it anyway.

What I am though, is kind of accepting. It's not that I would want to die without him, but that it would be almost pointless carrying on. Being with him is what I was made for, be it in this life or another one. With all the circumstances - his marriage, our ages, our histories - I can't really expect too much time with him here and now. What I can do is grasp that time whole-heartedly, and revel in it. And then move on, with the hope and belief that it will happen again, for longer and better. I'm not going to pre-empt anything, not yet. But it doesn't scare me either.

confusion multiplies, and exhaustion is added as a bonus

2008-05-19T17:05:00.004+02:00

The exhaustion comes from the tearful weekend added to the re-implementation of the big work upgrade last night, starting at 23h00. Finished, we thought, by 02h00, with a fairly smooth run. Ha, more fools us, because the calls started about half an hour later, and haven't stopped since. The whole applications concept of not testing until it went live, because of a lack of resources is now biting our bums hard. Especially mine. I've basically done nothing all day except fix other people's problems - we tried a brief training session this morning, but gave up after about the 20th call. I think the vision of me trying to do sit-ups and leg raises with a cell phone at my ear, attempting not to pant too loudly while I answered questions was enough to make PT dude shorten the session considerably.

Oh, and probably doesn't need confirming, but between tears and trauma and working all night and day under pressure....the non-smoking is not doing that well. Am still managing to smoke less, but not quite the six that I was meant to limit myself to. Tomorrow...will renew the attempt tomorrow. Good thing is that when I came into the house on saturday, I could smell it, for the first time ever, and actually, it was quite gross. So that gives me hope at least that i will continue this.

this could kill me

2008-05-17T01:18:00.004+02:00

but at least i will do it with some honesty....

After driving and crying and thinking and crying and talking to my DuckBuddy and crying and listening to some songs that have messages for me at the moment and crying, I eventually wrote the dude a letter, while I cried a whole lot more. Sent it about two hours ago, and - wow, surprise! - have been crying ever since.

If nothing else, hope he doesn't come here before the tentatively scheduled visit on Sunday, because I've probably cried myself into not having visible eyeballs for most of the day. And post-letter, have been drinking myself into a stupendous hangover, although the oblivion I am trying for remains way out of reach.

Told him I love him. Told him I can't do the lying and deceit bit anymore. Told him I would do just about everything that I can to be able to stand up and be with him, to love him openly, and spend forever with him....

Told him it's his choice as to what happens now. He can walk away, and I will accept that. If not? Then I will fight to have him with me honestly and openly, no matter how long or how hard it might be.

I have an awful dead patch spreading through me as I accept that I will probably never see him again, never hold him or breathe his sweet, unique scent, never make love with him or laugh and joke and talk crap for hours. This isn't an ultimatum that I have any hope of achieving, yet I've given it anyway.

There is no point in a future without him. There is equally little point in a future of loving him endlessly while we pretend that he is just a dude I know, and that everything that has become so crucial to me is...nothing.

I guess by the time I pass out tonight, with as much chemical help as possible, I will still be ripped to bits by this decision. By the time I crash into awakeness again, I will regret it bitterly, and would give almost anything to just be with him in whatever way possibly. So I've made it irrevocable, with what I said, and if/when I lose my dreams, it will be with the last few bits of my integrity.

Fucking joke. Integrity cannot hold me close or give me joy or hope. Integrity is a very cold and empty bed, for a very long time.

I accept full blame for what has happened, and full responsibility for whatever happens next. There is a small, small part of me that has hope, and a small, small part of me that dreams. And a whole lot more that says I have probably just chased away my love, my heart, my everything...

I've always thought that Ruth's words to Naomi were a strange way to feel about your mother in law. As a dedication to your lover, they remain unsurpassed.

"Ruth 1:16-17 (King James Version)

16 And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me."

anyone want a yoghurt or fruit or some healthy wholegrain bread...

2008-05-15T22:07:00.002+02:00

oh yeah, there's a lot of breakfast crap in the fridge too... he didn't stay round long enough to get to eating that either...

scared witless...

2008-05-14T18:04:00.004+02:00

...the dude should be here in the next ten minutes for his first overnight visit. Also, first meal I will have ever given him, and all sorts of other landmarks. I was so scared of planning something that he wouldn't like that I ended up buying the makings for four full suppers (so that he can choose what he wants) and enough breakfast items for an entire hotel buffet. Of course, at the moment I don't know if I could even look at food without my throat closing up. And this is after the 'relaxing' bath I had earlier!

On a more sombre note, foreigners are being attacked, beaten, killed and forced to flee their homes by xenophobic mobs of black south Africans rampaging through the streets in traditionally black areas. So much for ubuntu and the pan-african comradeship. Please pray for the scared and homeless tonight...

catharsis?

2008-05-12T21:57:00.002+02:00

about the only good thing about a huge collapse like yesterday's is that it leaves me too drained to get upset about anything for the next few days. Doesn't solve anything though, and doesn't answer any of the questions I have either.

If this carries on, I guess that I will have to try raise some of them with him, which will be just about impossible. Firstly because I am a wuss, and secondly because he is really good at not talking about things if he doesn't want to, and I can't see him wanting to talk much about emotions or the ethics of affairs.

At the moment though, I just don't want to take the chance of losing what I have by trying to find out more. Not yet....

wonderful day

2008-05-08T21:50:00.003+02:00

Pdoc appointment was awesome again, laughing and joking, although he was giving me a bit of a hard time about the dude. Not needed, because I am very aware of how involved I have become in such a short time, and how much this is going to hurt eventually. And of course, pdoc is now demanding my meds collection, which I had previously promised to surrender if I ever felt good for longer than a week. The concept of suicide is remote at the moment, but not so remote that I can feel confident about not needing the collection. I guess though, that I did promise it, and he has been fairly reasonable about not forcing me to give it up before. So I will have to give him most of it at the next appt, which is in two weeks. First time that we have progressed from weekly sessions since 2005! And first time that the meds have been stable enough for a monthly script with repeats - for now, we've settled at 175mg Tofranil and 20 mg Inderal (should be 30mg but I keep skipping the midday one accidentally). And a sedative only about once every ten days, and even then, it's down from 2 Ambien to 1/4, mostly. This is so cool!

madagascar....look and weep!

2008-05-07T21:44:00.011+02:00

nope, no photo-shop....this is what it looks like!

how cute are lemurs!!

lunch on the beach

one of our homes - view from our room, from the lounge, and -crucial - the bar!

the chameleons are sacred and revered by most Malagasy

one step forward, one step back...

2008-05-07T20:31:00.002+02:00

well, the non-smoking bit is going a little slower than anticipated. Cheated a bit yesterday, and then went for dinner with one of my best buddies and her husband who have just reconciled after what looked like it would be an acrimonious split. And they both smoke, so of course I had a few as well. Got home, was eyeing the garden for possible leaves to light...and remembered seeing my 15 year old dope stash, so rooted that out and had a joint, my first in at least 7 years! OK, so the stuff was somewhat dusty, and not that pleasant to smoke - but it still has a kick....I ended up chowing popcorn and an entire packet of lettuce leaves before the munchies wore off!

Today was a bit better until I rear-ended a truck about two blocks from home, in rush hour traffic on the main road. Kind of made my pick-up a bit shorter on the left, and thoroughly disabled it. So while I waited for a tow-truck, I decided that tonight was so not a good time not to smoke, and bought a packet of an obnoxious brand - gave half to a street guy, and am puffing away on the rest.

I will still do this - from about 50 to less than 10 is a good start, and I will keep it going. Maybe though, it will take longer than a day to train myself away from 28 years of bad habit. For the dude though, it will be worth doing...

oh, and a PS....

2008-05-05T23:23:00.002+02:00

...that thing I said about pigeons breeding all year round? Yeah, well they also do stupid things like have close contact with dogs and cars and cats all year too. On Saturday I had a bird-free house (although that excludes the well-stocked aviary and the equally well-stocked roof), with my last three babies having been palmed off on another mad-woman (sorry....volunteer) for two weeks. By the time I eventually got home tonight just after 8pm, I had reclaimed the three waifs, and managed to accumulate another 6 ranging from teeny-tiny-don't have eyeballs yet up to adult-but lost half my tail/wing/bum feathers to a dog.....
God it's good to be home!!

Home is the sailor, home from the sea

2008-05-03T21:59:00.002+02:00

title is from 'Requiem' by Robert Louis Stevenson, also used by A.E. Housman.

so, back from a two week holiday with absolutely no communication with anyone more than 5 feet away from me....apart from a non-stop wish to know that my animals were all ok and a similar desire to talk/touch/breathe the dude, it was awesome! I haven't been completely away since the beginning of 2005, and that was only for 4 days. Even in hospital, I've always been available to work, and able to keep in touch with the rest of my life. So the incommunicado bit took some getting used to. It wasn't really planned that way, but for one reason or another, comms just didn't happen, and guess what - the rest of my world survived just fine!

Madagascar is amazing, and I'm definitely planning on a return trip when finances allow. It's damn expensive for someone who is earning in SA Rands, although I'd guess it's very reasonable for euro or dollar comparisons. People were lovely, wildlife was awesome, food was superb (and the rum drinks not too bad either!!), we did lots of snorkelling the first week and lots more scuba-diving the second. My lower legs and arms are deliciously brown, but I managed to keep the rest of me from being crispy-fried in the sun. Have experienced every known kind of salt/heat/sweat rash and served as the buffet table for what felt like the entire population of indigenous insects. Fell in love with lemurs; swam with dolphins, sharks and turtles; played 'nemo' with huge schools of cartoon-coloured fish; bought a whole heap of tshirts and all kinds of hand-made souvenirs....had fun! Will post some of the pics tomorrow.

And tomorrow as well - yay!yay!yay! - I get to see the dude again, for what sounds like it will be a suitably passionate reunion. He was also hinting on the phone earlier that he has some possible plans that will allow him a lot more time here with me, which he'll tell me more about tomorrow. It makes me really nervous too, because this isn't supposed to have become anything serious. It has though, for me, and I am so scared of getting even more involved than I already am. I still have no idea of how he really feels - and don't think I ever will - and I honestly can't see it ever turning out well in the longer term. But for now, whatever his motives are, if it means more time spent with him....I will do whatever I can to make that happen.

yay. holiday. bah f-ing humbug.

2008-04-18T23:00:00.003+02:00

so if the title doen't give you the idea that I am not particularly looking forward to the impending vacation, let me just expand. I. DO NOT. WANT. AT ALL. to go away tomorrow morning for two weeks. There just hasn't been enough prep time, enough laid-back go get forex/make birdie arrangements/sort out household stuff/sort out work/sort out entire f-ing life before taking two weeks away with - as far as I can see - no comms whatsoever. No cell phone, no email, no net, And with someone who has rapidly progressed from being my best friend and ideal holiday-partner to the person I am most likely to drown while we scuba-dive around beautiful coral reefs. Seriously.

Tdoc was the one who kicked my butt into planning at this. At the time, I had no desire to do it either, but figured it would theoretically be a good thing, and planned it around IT-work and rehab-work and last couple of weeks of summer etc etc. And what I was most scared of was two whole weeks with no pdoc, no tdoc and no household routine.

Since then, routine has gone for a ball of chalk anyway, have recollected that pigeons breed all year round so there is never a good time to be gone from a birdie POV, and re-re-re-understood that from an IT work perspective, DBAs should never sleep or do anything that might reduce the 24/7/365 availability - never mind a two week break.

The mood has been good enough that the lack of therapeutic contact was almost ok - until the last few stressful days of organising - but what I hadn't known then was that by now I would be head-over-heels way deep in a pointless futureless romantic entanglement. Which, regardless of future options, I really really don't want to leave for an entire two weeks right now. The very small sensible voice says that just the not wanting to be away from him concept should be making me run for the borders. That small voice though is completely overwhelmed by the rest of me.

And added to that is the really bad circumstancial stuff that has meant a serious lack of bed-time the past two weeks. Affection yes, rampant sex....no. I was really depending on at least today for a bit, and after an entirely frustrating and time-wasting arbitrary day where I ended up crying at least once an hour because of no-brain, idiotic lack of cooperation from the gods, that was stuffed up at the last hurdle. FFFUUUUUCCCCKKK. Or not, I guess...

Been crying for the last 7.5 hours, since a very curtailed and way too un-physical contact. Knowing that it is totally stupid and pointless doesn't mean dipshit to the 15-year-old hormones that are raging around my body at the moment. Shit. Don't think I ever even felt this deprived and victimised when I was 15.

"Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart

Bonnie Tyler (1983) 'total eclipse of the heart'

sad movie of the day

2008-04-17T23:26:00.003+02:00

so one of the things that PT dude has got me started on is downloading movies to watch on the PC. Most of his choices tho' have me howling myself silly when I watch them, even tho' they are all really good movies.

Tonight's choice was Guardian, with Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher. Brilliant film, but by the end I was yelling at it 'not to let him die! Please don't let him die!'....which didn't make any difference of course. Still crying....

Oh yeah, the music is by a famous South African - Trevor Rabin, lead singer of the hottest SA rock band of the '70s, Rabbitt.

sublime. ridiculous. whatever....

2008-04-14T23:50:00.003+02:00

A couple of naps (and some serious comfort food to encourage those) and I appeared at work 90 seconds before our start time, having done a bit of low-flying with the music at full volume and playing the most wiring songs I have - so I sat down with blood pounding and just so, so on form. Didn't help. There is a serious system flaw somewhere, and 6 hours later I snailed home after we'd tried every last devious trick before backing out. Bummer. Bigtime bummer.

Today was a bit of a loss consequently. Did the feeds & fetches, the post-mortem mails, the grasp at straws flights of brainpower...and of course some serious naps. Now, of course, having deliberately stuffed my body clock yesterday for work, I am wiiiiidddde awake and ready to do it all again. Nope. This is what sedatives were invented for - have given sleep some encouragement with a good dinner, couple of drinks, the silliest movie I have seen since Wayne's World first appeared - it's about 95% in Afrikaans, so no-one out of SA (or Holland) would understand it - and now, meds, bed, sleep and sweet sweet dreams....

wipe-out

2008-04-12T21:28:00.002+02:00

I know I am tense about the upgrade, even though I know deep down that it will either be A1 cool and smooth, or if it isn't, between me and other-contractor, we are more capable than anyone else could be at making it work.

But still. Guess part of what leads eventually to me being good is that I have - and am - sweating badly over this as part of my prep. When I saw pdoc on Thu, we were talking about life, the universe and everything... which I have been revelling in doing for the last couple of weeks. He is so, so smart and funny...and it brings out the best of the corresponding bits in me. And I love feeling like that. So on thu, can't remember what led up to it, but we were talking about work and upgrade and stress, and he asked me something, and the answer was that whatever it was would be cool 'because basically I am so damn good at this'.

He stopped there. Looked at me for a long time, and said that that was the first time he had ever heard me say something complimentary about myself. Maybe that is something to think about some other time.

For now, though, Thu was great, Fri was wake up way early to start a test at 05h30, do good stuff with that, nap in the bath, see PT dude and have a great training session, do some more stuff and then have an afternoon nap. Amazing day, until I woke up crying after the nap and haven't managed to stop yet. No reason. None.

Guess that if nothing else, this is reassurance that it's not only the dude that is causing the good bits. He was wonderful on Friday, and is coming over tomorrow (very unusually, but I have a suspicion that it's because he knows that work is getting to me a bit...), being just as sweet and kind as he has been for the past two months. And if I can hit the wall with him still being around, it gives me hope that it is the meds that are really making the difference. Which is way more reliable than loving someone.

I had a brief dive at 125mg Tofranil, and then got the good mood back at 150mg. So emailed pdoc on fri night to ask about 175mg, and he said to go with it - maybe I am being too sensitive to things, but I really, really don't want to let the dragons start chewing on me again right now. Not when I am having the best month in so many long long years. So holding thumbs that however bad today has been, and knowing that tomorrow is likely to be a 10-puke day and night (my uncontrollable reaction to upgrades and stress like that is to run off and puke every 30 mins or so...), between the dude and the meds....and maybe just a bit of being not too awful at what I do....maybe I can have the feeling good bit back again this coming week.

grrr.....

2008-04-10T16:42:00.002+02:00

so there was a google search that ended up here today on 'big bad wolf sex'. Oh yeah baby.... We haven't gotten round to furry disguises and chewing on each other's necks for foreplay yet, but maybe I should suggest it. Everything else we do is awesome still....

so stupid...so sweet

2008-04-08T21:26:00.003+02:00

I still don't really understand what's happening. Chicken or the egg? Did the Tofranil work because I was getting involved with the dude. Or did it move from just being excellent sex to kind of being in love because the Tofranil was making me feel so much more alive. Guess the only way to find out would be to take one of them away, and I'm not going to do that until it's absolutely unavoidable.

He is unreadable, unknowable, and sometimes quite strange. He is completely unlike anyone I have ever known before, and even more unlike anyone that I have ever been attracted to. He is nothing that I have ever wanted in the past ... and everything that I want right now. It is completely unworkable, yet it seems to just happen so easily. There can't be any future but I would live in this moment for ever if I could. I cry a lot at the moment even though I am so overwhelmingly happy almost all the time. And ultimately I know that this is going to hurt me more than anything I have let happen in the last 15 years, but I wouldn't undo a single moment of what has happened so far.

Shit. Getting old is way more confusing than being a teenager. At least then you could still hope that you'd grow out of feeling like this....

time to dig in and work...

2008-04-06T22:46:00.003+02:00

...before the upgrade that I have to implement next Sunday. Unfortunately, my concentration is totally shot - and it's all the dude's fault. He visited esterday, for what turned out to be lots of cuddling but not much more. And left me in a state of extremely libidinous turmoil.

Needless to say, not much work has been done, and a whole lot of daydreaming about the dude has taken place instead....tomorrow, I MUST work tomorrow.

all the action

2008-04-03T23:28:00.003+02:00

so, for a day with not much planned apart from pdoc and duckbuddy for coffee, it kind of filled up quickly. Slow start, then DB finagled me into coffee before pdoc as well as after. Good thing, because although we managed a quick one after as well, it was shortened by three unplanned bird calls - three pigeon babies to start with. The lady had mentioned they were on a ledge...what she left out though was that the ledge was three floors up. I am so, so not fond of heights, particularly when they are combined with narrow things to crawl along. Followed by the 4th rescue of a baby mynah from the same damn balcony! In a year, roughly, the same set of parents have been careless enough to let 4 babies fall off the same roof. Which wouldn't be so bad, as they are very keen to keep caring for their mislaid offspring. Unfortunately though, they aren't willing to let anyone work in any of the offices along that side of the building and keep attacking the windows whenever anyone tries. Mikey was the first of them, and he is the smartest, funiest, cutest bird I have ever seen, so hopefully his siblings turn out just as gorgeous. And then a quick pickup of a bird who is currently reminding me with plaintive shrieks that they are nocturnal and can yell all night, and home to PT dude. He'd had a really bad morning, but between me and one of my cats who finds him almost as nice as I do, he was feeling a bit more cheerful whne he left. I, on the other hand, was still dripping sweat and wobbly-legged from a really good workout. I'd just sat down to enjoy the first post-training smoke, when I got an urgent call to collect a baby vervet monkey with a broken leg, and take him through to the monkey-lady. So...a full day of adventure!

Best bit of course - well apart from the dude bit - was seeing pdoc. Third appointment in a row that I got to walk in smiling, so he figures he should retire while the going is good. It was another cool appt, with about 5 mins on mood and meds, and the rest of it just talking shit and enjoying it. He is still the man I most enjoy mentally, especially when I am feeling good and can trade wicked remarks with him - although I know he is way more intelligent than me, I can come back quickly enough to make him laugh as well. Only bad bit though, is that if this mood lasts for a while longer (and I really, really want that), it will also mean not seeing him weekly either. If I compare though, seeing someone I enjoy for half an hour a week versus feeling great for every day instead...no contest, the mood wins hands down. Shit, I love this feeling!!

hey-y-y

2008-04-02T23:43:00.003+02:00

- what can I say? I feel alive for the first time in so very long. I'm not accomplishing much apart from work and training and spending time with the dude. But I wake up in the mornings, and my first blurry thought isn't 'oh fuck I wish I hadn't woken up..'. That is just so, so amazing - even if I don't get much done, it is just so, so good to not being doing it anyway!

so it's either the Tofranil or the dude...either way, it's awesome

balancing act

2008-03-26T23:32:00.003+02:00

so the past two weeks have been the best since 2004. Which is a long, long time. Coincidentally, the past seven weeks (and yep, I am counting!) have been the first time since ex-BF was murdered in 2004 that I have had any kind of a sex-life. The depression dug in before that, which was probably the only reason I have remained celibate for so long.

And while the intellectual bit of me is watching this all with a bemused grin, every other bit is wriggling around like an overjoyed puppy. It has been so damn long since I felt this good, and really, whatever is the cause, if it can just stick around for a while...please?

I figure it's kind of a combination result. The dude and the Tofranil together. Neither meds nor loving someone have been enough on their own in the past three years, but at the moment, the mix is working. And it is just so f-ing awesome....